Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Georgistan is not a good person

I hate the Atlanta Braves and everyone who ever played for them.  But hearing that Greg Maddux retired I had a variety of emotions.  

He was by far the best pure pitcher that I grew up watching.  Forget Randy and Roger, they had power but not the feel Greg did.  And compared to Gregory's fellow pitching staff, Tom Glavine and John Smolts, I know that Maddux is much better, also saying that both Tom and John are very very solid Hall of Fame candidates.  But, I hate Greg for everything he did to my Reds.  And knowing that, I assume there will be one baseball writer who doesn't vote for him on his first ballot.  So we'll continue the tradition of no unanimous baseball hall of famers.  No Ruth, no Aaron, no Mays, no Christ.  Which is fucked the prostate fucked up.  There should have been some guy in the past, and there wasn't, but we should punish the current guys.

Herbert Hoover kind of fucked up

I think Steve Buscemi got his right cheek vacuum fucked/sucked by David Oreck.

But he is still an oddly attractive man.  It must be his teeth.

Monday, November 3, 2008

I shot my foot, but my foot was 50 Cent

I often wonder about the word 'legacy'. You'll meet some shaver who says "What's the legacy of mustard?". And it is an absolute waste of my time.

I was always confused until last night. I was having a God threesome and one of the girls takes a jalapeno pepper and, as I'm Flying Dragon the other chick, jams it right up my ass. And I couldn't help but think, 'what will be the legacy of this jalapeno pepper?'

Friday, October 10, 2008

Tim Leary

When I kick my toe on a couch I often ask, "Why Jesus, why?". Most of the time he replies with, "Why not?" It is now that I question my Jewish faith.

If Jesus is such a dick, how can't he be real?

Friday, October 3, 2008

Judas before the offer

Every time I look at the carpet I'm afraid she has a message, like a vagina. Except she's not pink and I don't have to pay for it.

Nurses joke

When I worked as a sales associate at ACE hardware customers would often come in and ask for some tubing. I would ask what kind and i would list off the types we had available. I'd usually try to sneak in fallopian tubing and it would go unnoticed at first and the customer would realize what i said and say, "wait, isn't fallopian tubing the..."

"Vagina tubing, yes" I'd interject.

And we both would laugh. I'd lean back laughing uproariously and pat my belly and he would double over with a mighty guffaw and slap his knee.

He would then ask for about 10 feet, because it is hard to find fallopian tubing up for sale these days and you need to stock pile when you can.


I was in a bank when a masked man ran in with a gun and proceeded to hold up the depository. I was holding a carafe getting ready to pure my self some coffee when he told me to put it down and get on the floor. So I was faced with an option, give up and do what he said or take action and better the situation. I then remembered an old trick I was once taught that I felt was destined to help me in just this kind of happening. I shit and pissed my pants, that way the robber wouldn't want to eat it me since I had soiled myself.

First down.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Blowing Dandelions

I would hate to be the clerk who rents out shit. You have no ownage in the stuff but you have to be the guy who busts balls if someone is late with the return. That is one of the thankless yet not dirty jobs. So you won't see them on tv.

Much like hats. Fuck that job, I would never ride another's head and slowly excrete cum into the minds of many young. Earwig........not for me, sorry.

Tired of titles

About three or so years ago I was riding the campus bus up north and we stopped by the dorm named Markley. I cut off my mute and poured forth "All 'Barkley's get off'. Comic gold.

Girl's from Markley have been shy recently, I guess they don't know the lore. So says Tzu.


"I don't play with madness. Madness don't play."

I thought I understood those words. But I didn't and still don't.

But replace 'madness' with 'the drink' and I've got a PhD.


I said, "The leaves shone white."

Yet, my PO didn't believe that they were maple leaves mixed with alcohol then heated and cooled to remove the waxy solid. Then with the right mix of acids and bases, alkaloids were removed and kerosene did some work. The kerosene was removed and maplecaine was almost made. It only had a small reaction left with methyl alcohol. Thus kinda pure 'maplecaine' was made.

God damn justice system.

David Ogilvy. Wiki

I want to initiate an initiative to ban advertisements from saying the phrase "_blank_ isn't the only thing. It is the only thing." I saw a movie, a cleaning product, and a period reducing hormone use that phrase in their commercial today. Come up with something original, like "Plug your ears, this movie will be loud. Plug your drains, this will clean your tub and shit. Plug your vagina."

There, I covered all three items in ease.

Jerry Falwell? Not bad.

It isn't so much that the angels were tiptoeing on the rooftops as much as they were dancing on the awnings. They were much closer and moving in a much more violent beautiful way.

Number lines

The worst part of going to a bar is seeing all those rich labels of spirits. Blue label this, single malt that, LE nipple.

Whenever I see those bottles I think of the good times the wealthy could have at a place like this and wonder about the turns I made that led me to be on the good side of those labels.

Saturday, August 2, 2008


Mrs. Mustache On or Off always pictured you with a face. But you have none, such is the fatality of a scuttle fish affair.


The world ain't right man. My snarf doll doesn't say "snarf" after I tease and poke him anymore.

God only knows that this is not what I would ever choose to do, to anyone, ever.

Mario Batali fucked up the liquid on the pasta

Alfredo sauce done incorrectly tastes way way way too similar to the sweat of Rasputin. I'm not saying that is a bad nor a good thing. It is just a thing.

The shitty Mel Gibson movie

I walk down the street and look at other people. Everyone does this I'm sure. But I know if I showed off my ability to milk the shit out of an armadillo at anytime to any of these Eric Albins', even David Icke would get his ear drums hammered by a god damn sheep of a mallet.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Great song

Write it down
Just don't miss a year

Slight dryness
Comes down the back of neck

Forty Year Old Dead Man

I'm sweet. Your nipple. Fuck my left prostate exam.

If you don't come with hard shit, my life killers will fuck you up.


I've talked to a few "human beings' while I can't I double quote.

"Human Beings" there we go. So I've talked to a few of these double quoters and my love for violence raises. Hats tossed, boots cut, hair trimmed. Huzzah.


Fuck this.

21st Century Jesus

I want the fucking cheese to stop.

I'm not you friend, I'm the famous band member, I'm not your family member, I'm not anything.

Just enjoy.

Someday, we'll know that the best art might come from John shitting on the Bus Station's Light.

The My Friend Diploma

About two years ago I had a friend who was part of a very, very small movement in the upper Ohio music scene. One of the sweetest girls I've met in my life.

She was passionate about music and about taking care of the people she cared about.

But she died. Her vagina shot fluid fucking everywhere. I was fine with it until I looked at the clock and couldn't read shit from the menstruation that bleed out of the more important notes.

Matching up the sprayed fluids and past known ciphers it was possible to solve the message.

And it meant nothing. It was the ravings of a woman in dehydration, that is all.

My lube is running dry

A random iTunes song is the same as saying I want a random person to make love to me. In the old days I could lie on the most satin bed and hope for Bea Arthur to ride my dick for hours, but if Dean Martin starts fucking my ass and I could do nothing until I expelled seminal fluid. But these days, once I see Dean with that look in his eyes I move over to Frank, and he reams the fuck out of me.

Napster? For hits?

Pre-Olympic Sports

Today was the MLB trade deadline. And there were quite a few blockbuster trades. None involving my favorite player though, Sandy Koufax.

His arm action was and still is almost unheard off. He was quasi-forced off the field. To me he is the Alisan Porter of baseball. Even though she obviously came years later. And fuck dodger dogs. Get more full of your self west coast. Yeah the east coast sucks and you try to pair up with them but you can do better.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Love still happens

I know I've been wrong in my posts.

But I've tried to be happy.

And I am now, my sister got engaged and her husband to be is quite amazing.

And that makes me happy.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Small Texas Town

My mom used to say, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it."

My mom also once asked, "Why doesn't Niagara Falls run out of water?"

Thusly, I don't believe that she pushed me out of her uterus.


I know I'm crude, but where am I going to run to.

Search out Nina Simone.

C. Palmer inside of Big Daddy Anderson

I drove to the store about a week ago. The store being Kroger. I came to a four way stop sign intersection. I put my hand out and gave the signal that a Major League Umpire gives for a home run. All cars respecting my stache floored it and collided.

Amy Poehler at the bank

I went to the bank today, a Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation backed bank (yeah I've got that kind of money), to deposit a few rent checks from my housemates. The female clerk asked me for my ID, to show that I was really Mr. Mustache On or Off, and replied with "Let me see your ID." She then proceeded to menstruate all over an important piece of legislation. It was only then that I recognized my clerk as H. R. Clinton.

A finishing sentence that has www

The course I was playing on was riddle with Xzibit. I granted him an audience but rest of my trip was still coarse. I thought my ride had been pimped but fuck my kneecap I was wrong.

Wrong as Woodrow Wilson.

The Ted Kennedy Rule

Right now I am at home after going to a bar that sells very cheap pitchers of beer that is served to us by a waitress who knows my group of friends quite well. We don't have to show IDs and she automatically brings over the beer to us when we walk in.

But this post is not about that. This post is about the fact that I am drinking a fine smoked whiskey right now that a fellow left at my house. And that I am playing "Grandia" an RPG originally released for the first Playstation. Also, I'm listening to STS9.

So to sum up, never have a threesome with a blonde and a redhead. Shit won't balance out, trust me.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Volcan Raven

I was outside of my house and enjoying the fresh air when two non-sober gals walked by. They came up to me and started talking to me. I dropped the chlamydia word and they ran off with their juices retreating into their labium.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Why I Might Start Drinking More

I like bluegrass music. But I hate the bluegrass state. And I hate the state of popular music today.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


I have a confession to make, my left nipple has an awkward resemblance to an ovoid alien creature. Just more humanoid in nature. So to steal a name of a band "* ******* ******".

Left Turn by Tumbhill

God damn, nobody thinks I have anything of any substance to say.

But I still say, Yates and Schlosser are still using the American love of "Craziness due to God" defense to get off the hook.

And there are many others. Also I'm watching a commercial for 'Girls Gone Wild: The Craziest Bar in America"....one of the hottest commercials my young hot male body has seen.

Raonoke of my asics

Friends are the sweet bees that suck on the teat of Henry Clay.

We all compromise our love to friendship, not let us upset the status quo.

Kevin Bacon

I was happy until I realized that I was sitting in my living room by myself with 'Futurama' on the T.V. on mute and singing along with music played over a P.A. that my friend left a few months ago. I looked out the window half thinking someone would be raging with me but I only found an empty street.

But then I stood up and tumbled on an amp cord.


Walking to the village apothacary today I sensed that I wasn't in a village anymore.

That was the last time I said I was japanese.

A time that a fox didn't kill a peacock

I am reminded of a night during a time in my middle school years that I watched Disney's cartoon "Robin Hood" and after that night the fox that kept on seducing me finally got shot by a hunter for attacking his sheep.


"Backwards Down the Number Line" and "Alaska" by Phish will be huge.


I don't care much about people thinking I drink a lot or that I'm an alcoholic, I just don't want people to know that right now, listening to music in a dark room and drinking by myself that I am happier than 90% of the last 6 years of my life.


The bus, the bus, the bust, the bus driver, the bus driver's bust, it is never attractive. Being the boobs or the head and shoulder shot

The Ring Cycle

If my child's diaper added 4 bass notes to Bruce Springstein song he could shit out 'Gotterdammerung'.

The Norse knew what they were doing when the scared teh shit out of the kids with crazy stories at nigh.t

"Beast Wars" if the animals were Slovakian

Oranges don't talk shit to apples. Because they are always the underdog. You constantly hear APPLES vs. organges. Apples are always give first billing.

I prefer mangos.

The Voynich Manuscript of my Life

I've drank enough in the past to know that there is a point in much nights when I recognize that if I drink more I'm headed towards a black out or if I stop I'm just going to be drunk. I've decided to head down the blackout route for several reasons tonight. Let us see what happens.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Feather Dusters

One morning back in the summer of 2005 I was driving to work at ABXair/DHL and I saw in the middle of the road a bird that had been killed and a live bird standing next to it. They were assumedly intimate in one form or another. But many cars drove by and the living bird was almost crushed but never moved a talon. It was one of the most striking images of my life.

French Onion Soup and a BLT

I was at a restaurant the other day and order some unsweetened iced tea, of course the the flipper armed thalidomide child brought me sweetened. The raged swelled in me like the blood filling an erection and I finally erupted and only left him a 15% tip.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


I was watching television and a commercial came on for Empire Carpet. A woman says, "I only paid for this much carpet," and she gesture to a small amount. She then said, "But I got this much carpet," motioning to her entire room carpeted from wall to wall. I wish could say that about the prostitute I had last night.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

God Bless America. Fourth of July

I remember a time, about 7 years ago, when I was not capable of jumping a hat. I put the hat on my head. A guy then jumped over me. He stuck his penis in my armpit, a bit of axiphilia.

Since that time I can't eat toast. The word 'toast' sounds so danish.

Penis. Condom. Hat.

That means practice safe sex kiddos. I don't fuck preggos.


Dude man, my onion winked at me. She said, I can't peel myself away from you. Then I took my santoku knife and cut the shit out of her. Just like Princess Di.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Dave Chappelle? Yep, six degrees perhaps

The last two thirds of "Why (What's going on?)" might be the closest thing I have to punching Gengis Khan in the right temple.

It can only be for one night
Nipple nipple hazzah temple right

Dead Language

I once actually met a woman face to face.

Nona mastoid.

Enough said.

Woody Allen

Hats. Fucking hats. It is a bunch of dick ass guys who love to wear condoms who wear hats.

They say, "I'm not happy with my dick being wrapped up, so I'll shelter my other head".

Harley Davidson

I met a girl on eHarmony. She seems pretty solid. Looks attractive and comes across as decently smart. We share the same taste in music and movies. She is the kind of gal that I could see myself with in the future. So I put the moves on her

But I guess a mustache ride doesn't translate as well over the internet as it does in person. It might actually come across as not normal.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Junge Jim's

Plantains. Every fucking tropical restaurant offers them as if they are a delicacy.

A plantain is a fucking banana that lives in the clitoris of the Caribbeans.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Close Ass Door

Dude, man, the iTunes visualizer knows what it is doing. Mustache On or Off is by no means a pro drug site, but Mustache On or Off has done a few illegal drugs. My cousin was supposed to come here and bring me a cigarette.

Mustache's Recipe #1

I like lentils.

- I hate the way they look.
- I hate the way you have to cook them.
- I hate the way you have to rinse and sort them.
- I hate thinking of pocket lent whilst eating them.
- I hate the taste of them plain.
- I hate the bags they come in and how they talk down to me.
- I hate the name lentil.
- I love how lentils taste with vanilla yogurt.
- I hate Rachel Ray.
- I hate the color green on bags of lentil.
- I hate that you are proud of your child who can push a shopping cart, push it straight into my ankle.
- I hate.

I like lentils with sauteed onions, green peppers and minced garlic.

To be an artichoke in spinach dip.

So I was shaving Brown Crown One's Lion Mane the other day and Mrs. Mustache On or Off said, "I don't want the leader of my pride to be completely bald."

*Side note-she was reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes tale "The Adventure of the Lion's Mane", and I knew so.

I shot back with the retort, "My pride shall stand taller in this vague and nebulous shrubbery."

Then we were thoroughly in a state of mirth.

Summer of Charlotte's Web

When I sit on the porcelain god in the bathroom I use at my house I have a friend in very close proximity. He is a tiny spider who has created a web in the corner of my bathroom. He is about a foot from my knee once I assume the position. I'd guess his body to be about 1/5 an inch all together, so by no means a gnat but not quite my penis.

I call him Rupert, he looks like a Rupert, what with his bow tie and leprosy. We talk and he helps me relax my sphincter ani externus.

My only worry is that recently he's been talking about Sam Berkowitz's dog.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The right moves

It isn't so much that I missed the right spot as much as she elevated her pelvis about two and a half inches.

Monday, June 16, 2008


Yesterday I was doing grocery shopping, or should I say that I was simply buying Cristal, Natural Light and Kobe beef since that is all I consume, but I digress. I was shopping and ran over a kid with my grocery cart. The Cristal and Natti was fine but my beef had flown out of my cart. I picked it up and carried on to the check out and home. As I fired up my grill and put the beef on it let out a scream. I didn't realize that a kid run over with a cart looks a lot like Kobe beef. It was much tot he chagrin of the mother that she had tucked my beef into bed before I returned her kid and she saw her mistake.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Numbers 2:12

Men eat popcorn like that. Women eat popcorn like this. I once stuck an ear of maize up a vagina and made cuntcorn.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Fellini's "8 1/2"

My second biggest fear in life behind Rachel Ray is that someday I'll be performing cunnilingus and a crab or perhaps multiple crabs will jump from their house above beaver lodge and take up residence in my stache.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Rosemary Clooney

Mustache On or Off once had a hemroid, but he popped it and it became Spiro Agnew.


Mustache On or Off loves to stand in the middle of a large group of friends and yell, "Oh Shit!!!!!!!".

Yeah, not that funny, but all my friends know I run the midwest egyptian mafia; so they assume that a hit is on me and they dive for cover. I love to see their faces after they come up for air. Pure Fatty Arbuckle.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008


I'm going to start collecting books. Not so I can read them, but so when the inevitable book burning begins, I'll be damn sure to have the biggest fire on the block. This is what you get for sleeping with Mrs. Mustache-On-or-Off, Johanson. Your kids will think you are not a man when they check out the size of my raging pillar of fire.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Yamamoto Tsunetomo

I once heard an excuse, but then I throw up on a duck., and the duck was the actor

Heekura Simba.

He was ok.

I'm a fan of elephant ears at fairs.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The 5-Oh no he doesn't have any hands

How do cops arrest amputees? Where do they handcuff them? Is there a special unit assigned to this problem? What if they cuff a leper and his hand falls off and he goes on another killing spree? I need more answers, and less amputee fetishes.

Family Ties

I've been into a few furniture stores and they never have the set up for the kitchen full of awkward silence when a daughter tells her parents that she was molested by the drunk uncle over memorial day weekend.

Shits and amputations

Every now and then you see articles talking about someone finding some sort of finger or other body part in a can of food or something of the sort. Yesterday I read about an old man finding part of a finger in a can of tune and I just thought, what a waste of a finger and a meal for an old man. That god damn fish is always ruining the meals of the elderly, just like a lack of prune juice ruins the shits of the elderly.

Fuck tuna, fuck yeah prunes.

Pear Juice

If I were to release a tape of my greatest hits of whatever it would definitely have to be "Mustahce On or Off's Greatest Eating of Pears". I think the world would enjoy that, I can eat a mean pear. Also, when I lick the pear juice off of my stache girls automatically obtain an orgasm.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Chicken Kiev

"How many people shot a gun today", you might ask? And I might answer, "too many". But I'm not a stuck up left wing asshole. But too many guns were shot today, so stop buying salt peter, dicks.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Mutilation and Packaged Rice

We all know that is a cold hard scientific fact that masturbation causes blindness. We all also know we don't want to be shaking hands with someone who just jerked off. Therefore, I think we cut both hands off of any one who is blind, color blind, has a blind spot, has a bald spot, has a dog named spot, is blind to injustice, or who has just cut the tail off of three mice who may or may not have been blind. I don't want to touching any of those perverts hands.

Also, Rice-A-Roni is made in Chicago, not San Francisco, shit me on iron tire.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Georgie O'Keefe

I hate that when I go to a zoo the animals don't taunt me back.

That look, to the left, no lazy eye left

I recently retreated to a local coffee shop and asked the barista for a straight black coffee. He obliged and then I saw a girl who was going to town on some pudding, and she was also quaintly cute. I've nine ball racked my brain and I believe she was eating some sort of vanilla pudding it was the creamy swollen white of a friend's hot mother's thighs crossing as she served you lemonade after a hot afternoon of croquet.

So kids, don't fuck goats, the hair on their chin is scratchy on your scrotum and it is illegal in most states.

You like 7up I like sprint.

Why is it that every man, besides my manly self, who runs 15 feet to get somewhere quickly breaks into an effeminate run?

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Pure Americana

And I...

And I...

And I...

And I...

And I popped a zit on my ass.

But I had a funny post before that, but my alcoholism made me forget it.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Questions on a series of days off

The only reason I would ever ask you about your break is for you to reciprocate the favor and ask about my break, so you should just shut the fuck up and ask me about my break.

Friday night date

Recently I had to fax a paper to my financial advisor. It twas only a change of address form, yet I still felt like I aged one year for every number I dialed in the fax number. Because of my sudden elder feeling I decided I'd get a prostate exam.

I did not know I could also get that done at FedEx/Kinko's. It did take a lot longer than I thought; included in my other thoughts: the doctor's finger felt quit a bit bigger, and the doctor had a huge smile after we were done. But I'm healthy right now, so it was worth it.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Life's short. Talk Fast

Recently I've taken to yelling out "get me at dem gilmore girlz" whenever I enter a new setting. Sadly I have gotten at those lovable television characters. But much to my chagrin I have been brought the corpse of the poet Dame Mary Jean, and I don't fuck no dead pussy.


People often ask me how I'm able to live so long, given my self-destructive lifestyle and my proclivity to making enemies. I live by three simple rules, follow these rules and you'll live a full long life like Honey Brown himself.

1. Never sit with your back to a door, that is the easiest way to get a poisonous dart in the neck. As learnt from Sealab 2021.

2. Never invite a vampire in, doing so will render you powerless. As learnt from The Lost Boys.

3. Don't be black. As learnt from many many horror, sci-fi, war, romantic-comedy, and silent movies.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Dicks on the T.V.

Everytime a commercial for Everest College comes on and the spokesman starts yelling at me for doing nothing with my life, I think about killing myself. But then that would mean that I have done something with my life and he'd have nothing to yell about anymore. So I'm not committing suicide just to piss off that guy.

Private Dick Work

I like to believe that if I were a detective the only cases I would take on are the ones that look like I will have to do some work in the vicinity of a good burrito joint. I bet that burritos make private eye work easier than if you ate a salad or anything of creole origin.

Kane-ing the King

AFI Top 100 review of Citizen Kane

1997 ranking - 1st
2007 ranking -1st
Released - 1941

A few opening remarks before I review.

1) This is the first review I've done of a movie that I haven't seen. I've caught a few scenes before but have never watched it all.

2) I watched this movie a friend's apartment. Why is that important to note? No, it wasn't due to the fact that I have a friend and I was allowed to go to her place, but because I feel that I was out of my element just a tad so I may not be bringing my best funk.

3) She wore a hat and I wore a suit...and I wore it well.

4) I was having my period at the time of viewing.

5) She received a phone call from a friend early on in the movie's run and we had to pause the movie and this created a disruption of the movie's flow...my flow was still heavy though.

6) I got a phone call in the last third of the movie, we had to pause the film again, but do to me being a man and not a woman I didn't fuck up the situation.

7) It was a Saturday, not unlike the Saturdays you read about in those Danielle Steel novels.

8) I never met Orson Welles, don't believe what the bitch Mike is saying.

Ok, onto the review.

The movie was good.

Rating: 8 mustache hairs in the mouth out of 10

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Domestic Violence

I know there were a few quasi-domestic violence jokes in my last post, but I want it to be known that I do not condone anything like that. So I feel that I must post a sort of PSA to make up for it.

If you or anyone you know is part of domestic violence please call (734)-995-5444. This is a problem, and we can fix it.

The Drunkfather (Scottie 2 Hottie)

AFI Top 100 review of The Godfather

1997 ranking - 3rd
2007 ranking - 2nd
Released - 1972

So since I've seen this movie at least a half a time I decided to write a running diary of my viewing of The Godfather. After seeing what I wrote afterwards I became aware that 85% of my thoughts had nothing to do with the movie, so I was kind of torn. But I decided that since this is such a cultural literacy movie that a running log of it means much more than a straight up review. So enjoy this, and know that the following is non-edited. Know that 10:41 to 10:55 is my favorite.

10:15 PM - Popped the DVD in and settled down with a nice can of Natural Light.

10:17 PM - Some guy with a stache is telling a story of a girl who was made to drink and guys tried to take advantage of her but she resisted so they beat her. Don't care about the girl, but that's a fine stache.

10:20 PM - 2 of 2 characters on screen so fat have mustaches, thusly my penis is erect.

10:24 PM - Wedding scene. Bored. Start sudoku puzzle.

10:26 PM - Finished sudoku puzzle.

10:27 PM - Open second natti.

10:33 PM - Wedding scene still going on. Also, I've decided that whomever is lucky enough to be married to me (for tax purposes only, not for her being the only woman I sleep with) is not allowed to invite any creoles.

10:37 PM - First making an offer someone can't refuse line. Classless, I've heard that in many many sitcoms, I'm sure Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola stole it, just classless.

10:41 PM - Left testicle itching sensation from clean shaving given to it today. Yes, I only shave my left testicle, I call it the Leftin Sheen. Too bad I'm not watching Apocalypse Now, with Martin Sheen, Marlon Brando and Robert Duvall, since The Godfather does have Brando and Duvall.

10:42 PM - Scratch left testicle to ease the itching.

10:46 PM - Third Natti.

10:50 PM - Famous horse's head in bed scene (real horse head by the way). Reminds me of the Audi commercial during the Super Bowl and that I need to look into buying an Audi.

10:55 PM - Just learnt that Martin Sheen did in fact audition for the role of Michael. Thank god I named my ball hair shaving style after him, it all works right.

11:03 PM - Texas/Kansas game close, leaving to watch.

11:05 PM - Fourth natti.

11:18 PM - Texas wins by three, back to movie.

11:20 PM - Fifth can of Natural Light.

10:30 PM - Ever notice that people who can't count don't ever know what time it is? That fucking pisses me off.

11:31 PM - Crack open the happiness that is natti number 6.

11:32 PM - Drinking more beer and making less comments, first sign that you are an alcoholic.

11:41 PM - Beautiful scene between Michael and Don Vito Corleone. Kind of makes me think that I should take up my father's business of retiring at 42 and drinking a lot of Natural Light after that.

11:42 PM - One more can of natti, then stop drinking for the night. 7 is good for a monday.

11:44 PM - Have to take the trash out and smoke break.

11:55 PM - Back to the movie.

11:58 PM - Back to a new natti.

12:02 PM - Robert Duvall is wearing a hear piece, a pretty bad one. If I ever go bald I'll just use mustache hear to cover my head. Maybe one or two ass hairs as well.

12:10 PM - Guys are playing Hitz, getting too loud to hear well, thank god I've seen this movie multiple times.

12:15 PM - Beer 9 right as micaels first big family business scenes comes on. Great timing by me. I'm the shit more so than Meatloaf but less so than Mr. T.

12:16 PM - Mr. T is fucking awesome.

12:17 AM - Just realized that I need to type AM not PM.

12:21 AM - I don't like the Italians (despite being part Italian, a small part but a part, mainly my anus) because I don't trust people who live in shoes. The old woman in a shoe, the italians on a boot, other such persons.

12:26 AM - Goats in Italy, which are pronounced goatiloes.

12:27 AM - Gots ta urinate.

12:28 AM - Back to the movie.

12:29 AM - Wondered how many girls in the world wished that my right hand during my urination was their hand...and I can up with the number 2.5 billion.

12:31 AM - Cerveza número diez.

12:39 AM - Sad that the soundtarck didn't get a nod for an oscar because the composer sampled some of his own earlier works. I hate oscar, he's such a grouch.

12:41 AM - A guy got his finger bit. Reminds me of what my ex-wife did to me.

12:42 AM - My ass hit the fast forward button on the PS3 controller and I missed some Italian spoken. Fuck my ass.

12:43 AM - This makes a dozen beers.

12:44 AM - Finally actual tits in this movie,besides the start witht he staches, this is the best part. Forget all the fine acting/directing/writing.

12:45 AM - Michaels girl just said writing right after I typer writting, haha alright.

12:48 AM - Domestic violence!!! Man towards woman and woman towards man. Although mainly man towards woman, which I do frown upon and is the only thing I don't think should be made fun of.

12:51 AM - Shoot out at the toll both. I wonder how many bullets i can take and still be able to fight back/move away fromt he attackers. With full beard I guess 5, with no facila hair I guess negative one, with just at stache I assume it to be around the triple digits.

12:56 AM- I can hear people going to their rooms for the night. So loud. So loud like Quiet Riot, I want to feel the noise but i can not just cum on and feel the noise.

12:58 AM- Confession, I used backspace a lot for the last post.

1:00 Am - the meeting of the Dons. Much like the meeting we had for our party, a lot of men with a lot of power but without anything to say about shit.

1:02 am- group chuckle about communism. Communism is ths choice of the people. The people that hate freedom. And freedom is the new opiate of the masses,behind religion.

1:03 AM - Slippery Anus Steve IM's me to tell me that Wolf is on the Soup. I love wolf (an American Gladiator), but I can't not watch the Godfather, come on steve.
1:04 AM - Natti anew.

11:10 AM - The thing I've come to see in great movies is that you simply need to film characters in the scene who aren't speaking but have solid reactions.

11:13 Am - Pissing/taking out contacts for thinght.

11:16 AAM - Back.

11:20 AM - Beer 14 I believe.

11:21 AM- Another offer someone can't refuse. Great line. Would have been much beeter had i seen the movie when it first came out but it has been so sppofed (poorly) in so many movies/tv shows that it is odd to hear it now. Even though I've seen this movie many times but even the first time I heard it the phrase sounded odd. which pisses me off. the only thing I can get the same pleasure from now is like foreign films since they get so little coverage in america.

1:22 AM - realize that i've been typing 11 instead of 1.

1:22 AM - back hurst from typing.

1:24 AM - Michael (Al Pacino) finally steps into his role with all he has. A decent performance if you are using the dictionary for the anti-hyperbolists.

1:25 AM _ new favorite word 'anti-hyperbolists'.

1:27 AM - Hyperbolists and anti-hyperbotists might not be words at all now that I think about it. If they aren't then Merriam and that god damned webstedr better make them words.

1:32 AM - Relaly just thinking about playing Call of Duty Four after the movie.

1:33 A< - Top row of a thirty pack = done.

1:35 AM - Marlon Brando is amazing.

1:39 AM- I will never wear black to a funeral. I've turned down about 5 friends/family funerals in the past few years. The nezt time I attended one I'll wear the outfit that the dying person loved the most on me. So let me know what you think my sweetest clothes are.

1:40 AM - Beer

1:41 A< - Stop posting for the big baptism/assinination cleaning house snce.

1:44 Am _ Ah ok and done orgasming from that.

1:46 Last twenty minutes so fuck off, can't keep typing.

2:08 AM - What a horrible movie whaty do I watch such swill? Is it because swill was the word swi in it? I think yes. But despite me wanting to blow up this movie I still rate it a

9 out of 10 mustachioed kisses.

Monday, February 11, 2008

The Silence of the Lames

AFI Top 100 review of The Silence of the Lambs

1997 ranking - 65th
2007 ranking - 74th
Released - 1991

I watched this movie a few days ago but finally came out of my coma from the drill put into my brain that was this "film" so my review is just now being posted. Despite this thriller being one of only three movies to win the top five awards at the academy awards this movie still sucks. Horrible. Not intense, or scary, or shocking, or well directed, acted, written anything. There was a gross case of false advertising, as I heard no silence of any sort of barnyard animal let alone a lamb. In fact, I don't recall any sounds from any lambs that needed silencing in the first place.

I'd go into much greater detail but this statements gets my point across without me having to dumb down my ideas for you simple minds to understand: everything that this movie did wrong, "Cannibal: The Musical" aced. So save your time and watch the 1996 classic instead of the 1991 bore.

Rating: 3 mustaches out of 10.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

How to Flirt

Whilst in the library the other day I noticed a cute girl. I thought that I'd catch her attention by doing something cute and funny. Sadly my actions didn't end with her pleasuring my moan inducing rod. I think she mistook my throwing some elephantine confetti at her as me simply launching a large stack of paper straight at her head.

High Finances

I've decided that this week I'm getting all of my money out of the banks and investments and going to Chuck E. Cheese and convert my savings into tokens. I believe that the Chuck E. Cheese token is more secure than the American dollar. Plus, let's say that the communist take over, people with money in the banks will probably be fucked, but we all know that nobody would destroy Chuck E. Cheese, so my tokens will still be good and I can play some skeeball while you all eat potatoes all day.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Dr. Sweet

I saw the biggest douche at the bar last night. He was wearing black jeans, a black t-shirt, a black suit jacket and one of those belts made out of bullets. His hair was in a puffy faux-hawk. He kept yelling out "Can I get a fuck yeah for satan?!" I'm normally all for giving out fuck yeahs for various causes but not for him nor his satan. If I had the ability to conjure up a mountain lion with my mind and make it attack him, I probably would have seriously considered doing it at that time.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Modern Warfare

So I've been playing Call of Duty:4 online recently, and I keep getting killed by like 12 year olds who talk trash in high pitched non-ball dropped voices. It bothers me for awhile but then I just remember I can grow pubic hair.

Fashion Tips

If any girls out there wear this, then I am immediately attracted to you and am willing to give out a free mustache ride.

*For those that don't know/can't tell, that is a drawing of the Dude from The Big Lebowski in the style of the "Virtuvian Man".

Monday, January 28, 2008

Wakeful Ventriloquism

I definitely thought that some impromptu ventriloquism would cheer up the dour mood of those in attendance. But the widow got up and tackled me pretty quickly. I barely had my makeshift dummy's pants off, let alone started to work my hand up towards the controls.

Absurdities concerning the fact that Charlie don't surf.

No, no...John Malkovich would never wear a toupee in real life plus they have a third guard dog posted. Our plan is fucked to Nantucket now.

8 Second Inhale

For the past several years I've always wanted to watch all the films on the American Film Institutes Top 100 films list. I now believe that deep in my loins I now have the fortitude to follow through with this herculean task. Since I have now become known as the Hamid Reza Sadr of America I will also be posting mini-reviews of each one on stache on or off for you to ingest. I believe this act will make your life better in a multitude of ways.

I can tell by your apt attention to this blog that you have at least one question. To answer the first, I will be watching the films that have appeared on either the 1997 or 2007 list. So I will ultimately be watching more than 100. Who the fuck thinks they have the right to say 2007 people knew more than 1997 people about movies? I sure as hell don't think I can say that. 1997 people knew quite a bit in my mind.

To answer the second question, yes and fuck you.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Monkees!

I fear that a coup d’état within the biological order of Primates is soon upon us. Our place at the top is not secure by any means. Four reasons why I believe that rest of the primates can easily take us out

1. They are stronger than us.
2. Holy shit.
3. They are comfortable simply smoking a cigar and wearing a diaper. That sort of self-esteem is invaluable when it comes to a struggle for earth domination.
4. PETA is going to Bendict Arnold us for sure, and you can't fuck with dem PETAns.

Penis Tricks

Before I get to the main topic of this post you need to know that the name of my penis is 'Brown Crown One'.

I know many of my readers are fully aware of an act I commonly perform that has been dubbed 'The Ol' Penis Trick', but I feel I must explain it to those who are unfamiliar with this ability of mine. To put it simply, if I am presented with a test or exam I can flop out Brown Crown One on to the paper and let it rest for about 40 seconds, turn the test in and get at least a 97 on it. It works best when used with a biology or religion exam, because we all know how those two subjects love to dabble in people's sex lives.

Until recently, that was the only unique trick Brown Crown One could perform. Thankfully I have discovered a new penis trick, which has aptly been named 'The New Penis Trick'. The New Penis Trick was discovered out of necessity. A few days ago several of my chums were at our house wanting to play a video game. Sadly, no matter what anyone tried whenever the game was inserted sensually into the gaming console it would not work. Now, I don't like to be a hero, but I felt like god put me in that situation to save the day. I bravely stood up and walked over, snatched the disc from a friend and went to work. God, or maybe Tim, said to try touching Brown Crown One then touching the disc. I immediately thought that this was the most brilliant plan ever devised.

I touched Brown Crown One, through my jeans, not even skin-to-skin contact.

I touched the disc.

Restarted the system.

The game worked perfectly.

Brown Crown One can fix broken electronics.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Lemurs are bad murderers

If I were to kill someone I don't think I'd let a lemur be involved. They just don't seem trustworthy, Plus the whole lack of opposable thumbs, he just couldn't handle the gun work I'd need him to do.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Lady on the Bus

When the woman finally got off of the bus those of us still on just looked at each other and laughed knowingly. Because now we don't have to worry about being the one to tell the woman that you can't just take a shit and leave it on a seat. It is always good when awkward situations just work themselves out.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Fucking Fruit

I was eating an apple in my parents kitchen when I finally saw that the apple was truly all my oppressors manifested into one entity.

Why an apple you ask? Because an apple stole Adam's rib and lit the fuck up out of Newton.

A Confederacy of Dunces

I think I am the Ignatius Reilly of the dunces right now.

Friday, January 18, 2008

30 Minute Meals

People always love extra virgin olive oil....or e.v.o.o. from Rachel I can't cook for shit or host a show if my clit depended on it Ray. But once you take your society enforced blind fold off you realise that much more flavor is to be had from an olive oil that has been at least double penetrated if not an oil that has an D.V.D.A. train ran on her.

All in all, Rachel Ray is a fucking cunt blow dryer, she isn't even drunk wife material. Her voice sounds like I came on a sheep in heat fucking Barry Manilow.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


Oh, I also had sex with the Bush twins. But they were drunk so it was merely axillism mixed with a touch of coitus interruptus.

Fecal Matters

The last time I expelled feces in my pants I was at a nice luncheon with an older lady sitting next to me. I turned to her and said, "looks like I'm the one who should be wearing depends and wished that my children and grandchildren would come visit more often."

Sadly Barbara nor any of the other Bush family members found it as funny.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Monkey Prostitution

I just had to pass along this link.

I now have the final piece for my argument that combing a girls hair and picking out any bugs she might have is enough to warrant her giving me at least a hand job. You hear that Michelle? You owe me 5 hand jobs, five.


This whole steroid/PED controversy is getting extreme. Bud Selig and MLB are back in front of congress today testifying, because congress obviously has nothing better to do right now. Which brings to mind the old joke...if pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? Hahahaha, fuck my ass that is funny.

Backne to steroids now, but in the New York Times yesterday was the story about many entertainment stars have been linked to steroid usage, be it for muscle building or antiaging effects. They stars range from no big surprise (50 Cent) to someone you wouldn't initially suspect (Mary J. Blige) to just big shockers (Wyclef Jean).

Here at Mustache On or Off want to make our stance on steroids and performance enhancing drugs clear. We do not endorse their usage. My mustache is all natural and the result of hard work, many cigarettes, countless alcoholic beverages and many blacked out hours.

So remember kids, get your mustache the natural way and you'll be giving out the best mustache rides available before you know it.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Mallett to Arkansas

Ryan Mallett officially enrolled in classes at the University of Arkansas to play football for new head coach and ship jumper extraordinaire Bobby Petrino. Razorback fans study and learn how to properly use the phrase 'to Mallett', you'll need to use it a lot after his year of ineligibility is over.


A guy sitting next to me on the bus today said that overcast days always made him depressed. I definitely would have guessed that it was the way he always said vacuous statements to strangers that don't care what the fuck makes him feel any one way or the other.

Friday, January 11, 2008

I'm the new superficial.com

I know all you mongoloids come to me for your entertainment news and I have two new pieces of hot gossip.

Word is that Ice Cube will play B.A. Baracus in the upcoming A Team movie. Fuck that. It is Mr. T or nothing. If you are going to get an Ice rapper at least get Ice T for obvious reasons.

Panic! at the Disco is dropping the exclamation point to become Panic at the Disco. To show my support I was going to petition the Pope to get rid of all exclamation points everywhere but then I realized Panic!@the Disco are no talent baby rapists, so I think we should add more exclamation points to everything! Including the Bible! Take this excerpt from Jude's book.

"For certain men have crept in unnoticed, who long ago were marked out for this condemnation, ungodly men, who turn the grace of our God into lewdness and deny the only Lord God and our Lord Jesus Christ."

Pretty shitty right? Now check this homefry

"For certain men have crept in unnoticed! who long ago were marked out for this condemnation! ungodly! men, who turn the grace of our God! into lewd!ness and deny the only Lord! God! and our Lord Jesus Christ!"

Holy shit! That fucking rocked your face off!


Read the past three posts in reverse chronological order and you have my life lesson. Besides one fact, always watch out for the creoles. Fucking creoles.

Sun Tzu

True love and my nose are the same thing, roughly.


When I pick my nose I pretend that there is a barbed wire fence around my brain so I don't go too deep.

True love

There is a barb wire across my heart.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Eye

In lab today a girl was giving me the eye. Which eye you ask? No, not the evil, stink, or even flirtatious eye. It was the lazy eye. At least I think she was looking at me you never can tell with those mutants.


I am the most simian thing to have claim at being a prophet since Mighty Joe Young. Also, I might have had a BM in my pants tonight.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008


I spilled some yogurt on my pants today, so it kind of looked like I got sperm on them. Only it was blackberry yogurt so my sperm would have to have a purple tint to it instead of my normal greenish hue.

Monday, January 7, 2008


I think that all those people who oppose gay marriage should also be against the usage of hyphens. Hyphens are the gay marriage of punctuation.

Sunday, January 6, 2008


I have a shit fucking ton to say about brevity. But for the sake of brevity I can't say it here.

Arousing Thoughts

Is it just me or does the flapping of an overweight seventy year old man's flaccid jowls really get you hard in the loincloth area?