When I sit on the porcelain god in the bathroom I use at my house I have a friend in very close proximity. He is a tiny spider who has created a web in the corner of my bathroom. He is about a foot from my knee once I assume the position. I'd guess his body to be about 1/5 an inch all together, so by no means a gnat but not quite my penis.
I call him Rupert, he looks like a Rupert, what with his bow tie and leprosy. We talk and he helps me relax my sphincter ani externus.
My only worry is that recently he's been talking about Sam Berkowitz's dog.