Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Life's short. Talk Fast

Recently I've taken to yelling out "get me at dem gilmore girlz" whenever I enter a new setting. Sadly I have gotten at those lovable television characters. But much to my chagrin I have been brought the corpse of the poet Dame Mary Jean, and I don't fuck no dead pussy.


People often ask me how I'm able to live so long, given my self-destructive lifestyle and my proclivity to making enemies. I live by three simple rules, follow these rules and you'll live a full long life like Honey Brown himself.

1. Never sit with your back to a door, that is the easiest way to get a poisonous dart in the neck. As learnt from Sealab 2021.

2. Never invite a vampire in, doing so will render you powerless. As learnt from The Lost Boys.

3. Don't be black. As learnt from many many horror, sci-fi, war, romantic-comedy, and silent movies.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Dicks on the T.V.

Everytime a commercial for Everest College comes on and the spokesman starts yelling at me for doing nothing with my life, I think about killing myself. But then that would mean that I have done something with my life and he'd have nothing to yell about anymore. So I'm not committing suicide just to piss off that guy.

Private Dick Work

I like to believe that if I were a detective the only cases I would take on are the ones that look like I will have to do some work in the vicinity of a good burrito joint. I bet that burritos make private eye work easier than if you ate a salad or anything of creole origin.

Kane-ing the King

AFI Top 100 review of Citizen Kane

1997 ranking - 1st
2007 ranking -1st
Released - 1941

A few opening remarks before I review.

1) This is the first review I've done of a movie that I haven't seen. I've caught a few scenes before but have never watched it all.

2) I watched this movie a friend's apartment. Why is that important to note? No, it wasn't due to the fact that I have a friend and I was allowed to go to her place, but because I feel that I was out of my element just a tad so I may not be bringing my best funk.

3) She wore a hat and I wore a suit...and I wore it well.

4) I was having my period at the time of viewing.

5) She received a phone call from a friend early on in the movie's run and we had to pause the movie and this created a disruption of the movie's flow...my flow was still heavy though.

6) I got a phone call in the last third of the movie, we had to pause the film again, but do to me being a man and not a woman I didn't fuck up the situation.

7) It was a Saturday, not unlike the Saturdays you read about in those Danielle Steel novels.

8) I never met Orson Welles, don't believe what the bitch Mike is saying.

Ok, onto the review.

The movie was good.

Rating: 8 mustache hairs in the mouth out of 10

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Domestic Violence

I know there were a few quasi-domestic violence jokes in my last post, but I want it to be known that I do not condone anything like that. So I feel that I must post a sort of PSA to make up for it.

If you or anyone you know is part of domestic violence please call (734)-995-5444. This is a problem, and we can fix it.

The Drunkfather (Scottie 2 Hottie)

AFI Top 100 review of The Godfather

1997 ranking - 3rd
2007 ranking - 2nd
Released - 1972

So since I've seen this movie at least a half a time I decided to write a running diary of my viewing of The Godfather. After seeing what I wrote afterwards I became aware that 85% of my thoughts had nothing to do with the movie, so I was kind of torn. But I decided that since this is such a cultural literacy movie that a running log of it means much more than a straight up review. So enjoy this, and know that the following is non-edited. Know that 10:41 to 10:55 is my favorite.

10:15 PM - Popped the DVD in and settled down with a nice can of Natural Light.

10:17 PM - Some guy with a stache is telling a story of a girl who was made to drink and guys tried to take advantage of her but she resisted so they beat her. Don't care about the girl, but that's a fine stache.

10:20 PM - 2 of 2 characters on screen so fat have mustaches, thusly my penis is erect.

10:24 PM - Wedding scene. Bored. Start sudoku puzzle.

10:26 PM - Finished sudoku puzzle.

10:27 PM - Open second natti.

10:33 PM - Wedding scene still going on. Also, I've decided that whomever is lucky enough to be married to me (for tax purposes only, not for her being the only woman I sleep with) is not allowed to invite any creoles.

10:37 PM - First making an offer someone can't refuse line. Classless, I've heard that in many many sitcoms, I'm sure Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola stole it, just classless.

10:41 PM - Left testicle itching sensation from clean shaving given to it today. Yes, I only shave my left testicle, I call it the Leftin Sheen. Too bad I'm not watching Apocalypse Now, with Martin Sheen, Marlon Brando and Robert Duvall, since The Godfather does have Brando and Duvall.

10:42 PM - Scratch left testicle to ease the itching.

10:46 PM - Third Natti.

10:50 PM - Famous horse's head in bed scene (real horse head by the way). Reminds me of the Audi commercial during the Super Bowl and that I need to look into buying an Audi.

10:55 PM - Just learnt that Martin Sheen did in fact audition for the role of Michael. Thank god I named my ball hair shaving style after him, it all works right.

11:03 PM - Texas/Kansas game close, leaving to watch.

11:05 PM - Fourth natti.

11:18 PM - Texas wins by three, back to movie.

11:20 PM - Fifth can of Natural Light.

10:30 PM - Ever notice that people who can't count don't ever know what time it is? That fucking pisses me off.

11:31 PM - Crack open the happiness that is natti number 6.

11:32 PM - Drinking more beer and making less comments, first sign that you are an alcoholic.

11:41 PM - Beautiful scene between Michael and Don Vito Corleone. Kind of makes me think that I should take up my father's business of retiring at 42 and drinking a lot of Natural Light after that.

11:42 PM - One more can of natti, then stop drinking for the night. 7 is good for a monday.

11:44 PM - Have to take the trash out and smoke break.

11:55 PM - Back to the movie.

11:58 PM - Back to a new natti.

12:02 PM - Robert Duvall is wearing a hear piece, a pretty bad one. If I ever go bald I'll just use mustache hear to cover my head. Maybe one or two ass hairs as well.

12:10 PM - Guys are playing Hitz, getting too loud to hear well, thank god I've seen this movie multiple times.

12:15 PM - Beer 9 right as micaels first big family business scenes comes on. Great timing by me. I'm the shit more so than Meatloaf but less so than Mr. T.

12:16 PM - Mr. T is fucking awesome.

12:17 AM - Just realized that I need to type AM not PM.

12:21 AM - I don't like the Italians (despite being part Italian, a small part but a part, mainly my anus) because I don't trust people who live in shoes. The old woman in a shoe, the italians on a boot, other such persons.

12:26 AM - Goats in Italy, which are pronounced goatiloes.

12:27 AM - Gots ta urinate.

12:28 AM - Back to the movie.

12:29 AM - Wondered how many girls in the world wished that my right hand during my urination was their hand...and I can up with the number 2.5 billion.

12:31 AM - Cerveza nĂºmero diez.

12:39 AM - Sad that the soundtarck didn't get a nod for an oscar because the composer sampled some of his own earlier works. I hate oscar, he's such a grouch.

12:41 AM - A guy got his finger bit. Reminds me of what my ex-wife did to me.

12:42 AM - My ass hit the fast forward button on the PS3 controller and I missed some Italian spoken. Fuck my ass.

12:43 AM - This makes a dozen beers.

12:44 AM - Finally actual tits in this movie,besides the start witht he staches, this is the best part. Forget all the fine acting/directing/writing.

12:45 AM - Michaels girl just said writing right after I typer writting, haha alright.

12:48 AM - Domestic violence!!! Man towards woman and woman towards man. Although mainly man towards woman, which I do frown upon and is the only thing I don't think should be made fun of.

12:51 AM - Shoot out at the toll both. I wonder how many bullets i can take and still be able to fight back/move away fromt he attackers. With full beard I guess 5, with no facila hair I guess negative one, with just at stache I assume it to be around the triple digits.

12:56 AM- I can hear people going to their rooms for the night. So loud. So loud like Quiet Riot, I want to feel the noise but i can not just cum on and feel the noise.

12:58 AM- Confession, I used backspace a lot for the last post.

1:00 Am - the meeting of the Dons. Much like the meeting we had for our party, a lot of men with a lot of power but without anything to say about shit.

1:02 am- group chuckle about communism. Communism is ths choice of the people. The people that hate freedom. And freedom is the new opiate of the masses,behind religion.

1:03 AM - Slippery Anus Steve IM's me to tell me that Wolf is on the Soup. I love wolf (an American Gladiator), but I can't not watch the Godfather, come on steve.
1:04 AM - Natti anew.

11:10 AM - The thing I've come to see in great movies is that you simply need to film characters in the scene who aren't speaking but have solid reactions.

11:13 Am - Pissing/taking out contacts for thinght.

11:16 AAM - Back.

11:20 AM - Beer 14 I believe.

11:21 AM- Another offer someone can't refuse. Great line. Would have been much beeter had i seen the movie when it first came out but it has been so sppofed (poorly) in so many movies/tv shows that it is odd to hear it now. Even though I've seen this movie many times but even the first time I heard it the phrase sounded odd. which pisses me off. the only thing I can get the same pleasure from now is like foreign films since they get so little coverage in america.

1:22 AM - realize that i've been typing 11 instead of 1.

1:22 AM - back hurst from typing.

1:24 AM - Michael (Al Pacino) finally steps into his role with all he has. A decent performance if you are using the dictionary for the anti-hyperbolists.

1:25 AM _ new favorite word 'anti-hyperbolists'.

1:27 AM - Hyperbolists and anti-hyperbotists might not be words at all now that I think about it. If they aren't then Merriam and that god damned webstedr better make them words.

1:32 AM - Relaly just thinking about playing Call of Duty Four after the movie.

1:33 A< - Top row of a thirty pack = done.

1:35 AM - Marlon Brando is amazing.

1:39 AM- I will never wear black to a funeral. I've turned down about 5 friends/family funerals in the past few years. The nezt time I attended one I'll wear the outfit that the dying person loved the most on me. So let me know what you think my sweetest clothes are.

1:40 AM - Beer

1:41 A< - Stop posting for the big baptism/assinination cleaning house snce.

1:44 Am _ Ah ok and done orgasming from that.

1:46 Last twenty minutes so fuck off, can't keep typing.

2:08 AM - What a horrible movie whaty do I watch such swill? Is it because swill was the word swi in it? I think yes. But despite me wanting to blow up this movie I still rate it a

9 out of 10 mustachioed kisses.

Monday, February 11, 2008

The Silence of the Lames

AFI Top 100 review of The Silence of the Lambs

1997 ranking - 65th
2007 ranking - 74th
Released - 1991

I watched this movie a few days ago but finally came out of my coma from the drill put into my brain that was this "film" so my review is just now being posted. Despite this thriller being one of only three movies to win the top five awards at the academy awards this movie still sucks. Horrible. Not intense, or scary, or shocking, or well directed, acted, written anything. There was a gross case of false advertising, as I heard no silence of any sort of barnyard animal let alone a lamb. In fact, I don't recall any sounds from any lambs that needed silencing in the first place.

I'd go into much greater detail but this statements gets my point across without me having to dumb down my ideas for you simple minds to understand: everything that this movie did wrong, "Cannibal: The Musical" aced. So save your time and watch the 1996 classic instead of the 1991 bore.

Rating: 3 mustaches out of 10.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

How to Flirt

Whilst in the library the other day I noticed a cute girl. I thought that I'd catch her attention by doing something cute and funny. Sadly my actions didn't end with her pleasuring my moan inducing rod. I think she mistook my throwing some elephantine confetti at her as me simply launching a large stack of paper straight at her head.

High Finances

I've decided that this week I'm getting all of my money out of the banks and investments and going to Chuck E. Cheese and convert my savings into tokens. I believe that the Chuck E. Cheese token is more secure than the American dollar. Plus, let's say that the communist take over, people with money in the banks will probably be fucked, but we all know that nobody would destroy Chuck E. Cheese, so my tokens will still be good and I can play some skeeball while you all eat potatoes all day.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Dr. Sweet

I saw the biggest douche at the bar last night. He was wearing black jeans, a black t-shirt, a black suit jacket and one of those belts made out of bullets. His hair was in a puffy faux-hawk. He kept yelling out "Can I get a fuck yeah for satan?!" I'm normally all for giving out fuck yeahs for various causes but not for him nor his satan. If I had the ability to conjure up a mountain lion with my mind and make it attack him, I probably would have seriously considered doing it at that time.