Tuesday, March 25, 2008


I'm going to start collecting books. Not so I can read them, but so when the inevitable book burning begins, I'll be damn sure to have the biggest fire on the block. This is what you get for sleeping with Mrs. Mustache-On-or-Off, Johanson. Your kids will think you are not a man when they check out the size of my raging pillar of fire.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Yamamoto Tsunetomo

I once heard an excuse, but then I throw up on a duck., and the duck was the actor

Heekura Simba.

He was ok.

I'm a fan of elephant ears at fairs.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The 5-Oh no he doesn't have any hands

How do cops arrest amputees? Where do they handcuff them? Is there a special unit assigned to this problem? What if they cuff a leper and his hand falls off and he goes on another killing spree? I need more answers, and less amputee fetishes.

Family Ties

I've been into a few furniture stores and they never have the set up for the kitchen full of awkward silence when a daughter tells her parents that she was molested by the drunk uncle over memorial day weekend.

Shits and amputations

Every now and then you see articles talking about someone finding some sort of finger or other body part in a can of food or something of the sort. Yesterday I read about an old man finding part of a finger in a can of tune and I just thought, what a waste of a finger and a meal for an old man. That god damn fish is always ruining the meals of the elderly, just like a lack of prune juice ruins the shits of the elderly.

Fuck tuna, fuck yeah prunes.

Pear Juice

If I were to release a tape of my greatest hits of whatever it would definitely have to be "Mustahce On or Off's Greatest Eating of Pears". I think the world would enjoy that, I can eat a mean pear. Also, when I lick the pear juice off of my stache girls automatically obtain an orgasm.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Chicken Kiev

"How many people shot a gun today", you might ask? And I might answer, "too many". But I'm not a stuck up left wing asshole. But too many guns were shot today, so stop buying salt peter, dicks.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Mutilation and Packaged Rice

We all know that is a cold hard scientific fact that masturbation causes blindness. We all also know we don't want to be shaking hands with someone who just jerked off. Therefore, I think we cut both hands off of any one who is blind, color blind, has a blind spot, has a bald spot, has a dog named spot, is blind to injustice, or who has just cut the tail off of three mice who may or may not have been blind. I don't want to touching any of those perverts hands.

Also, Rice-A-Roni is made in Chicago, not San Francisco, shit me on iron tire.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Georgie O'Keefe

I hate that when I go to a zoo the animals don't taunt me back.

That look, to the left, no lazy eye left

I recently retreated to a local coffee shop and asked the barista for a straight black coffee. He obliged and then I saw a girl who was going to town on some pudding, and she was also quaintly cute. I've nine ball racked my brain and I believe she was eating some sort of vanilla pudding it was the creamy swollen white of a friend's hot mother's thighs crossing as she served you lemonade after a hot afternoon of croquet.

So kids, don't fuck goats, the hair on their chin is scratchy on your scrotum and it is illegal in most states.

You like 7up I like sprint.

Why is it that every man, besides my manly self, who runs 15 feet to get somewhere quickly breaks into an effeminate run?

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Pure Americana

And I...

And I...

And I...

And I...

And I popped a zit on my ass.

But I had a funny post before that, but my alcoholism made me forget it.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Questions on a series of days off

The only reason I would ever ask you about your break is for you to reciprocate the favor and ask about my break, so you should just shut the fuck up and ask me about my break.

Friday night date

Recently I had to fax a paper to my financial advisor. It twas only a change of address form, yet I still felt like I aged one year for every number I dialed in the fax number. Because of my sudden elder feeling I decided I'd get a prostate exam.

I did not know I could also get that done at FedEx/Kinko's. It did take a lot longer than I thought; included in my other thoughts: the doctor's finger felt quit a bit bigger, and the doctor had a huge smile after we were done. But I'm healthy right now, so it was worth it.