Oscar: Fourth Post

Not edited, becayse once I edit I lower myself to




9:16 Horse and Brit for something.

9:16: Must have peanut butter in her mouth. Bond makes here talk by adding or taking away crunch. It is for production designer, what does that mean? Producer? Designer? I can do that with my fecal matter on a Tuesday.

9:17: DDuchess guy should win, or Dark Knights guy.

9:18: The designer of Ben's button wins. I disagree, New Orleans isn't a real town anymore so any past history of it is inconsequiential.

9:20: Costume Dersigner nominees, the difference between oscar and porn award.

9:21: To quote the horse, "The award goes to the duchess Michael O'Conner". Haha, clothing stuff, duchess, a guy. There was probably different timing but still, that is one homophobic horse.

9:23: God damn, Bond ride your clydesdale the fuck into the sunset. Now we get makeup awards.

9:24: Ben's button and how it mysterious went away wins again for a shitty technical award.

9:25: I WON AN AWARD!!! LET ME READ A LIST OF PEOPLE I MET WHEN MAKING THIS FILM! MY DICK ONLY INSERTS INTO THINGS THAT HAVE INSTRUCTIONS!

9:26: HIGH SCHOOL TWILIGHT, or something! I want to die.


9:27: Some romance bullshit.*

*Not seen: My mind and the idea of the Oscars and Hollywood not fellating itself for two months during award season. I would break my dick off in that whore.

9:29: Go back to facebook captions.

9:30: Wait....that wasn't an award just scene? Oh, ABC you are clever foxes.

9:32: Ben Stiller is doing an identical joke about Jauquin Pheonix that was on last night's Spirit awards, which was filmed days before that.

9:33: Hollywood loves it. Ron Howard wants to fuck the schtick.

9:34: Oh the award is for best cinematography. And the Jauquin joke goes on despite being old two weeks ago.

9:35: Did a voice over to read the nominees in his normal voice, way to play the joke out.

9:35: Anthony Mantle wins for SLumdog Millionaire. Then sticks his limp dick in the speech.

9:37: Beer me, back in a bit.

9:39: Some chick is talking. Some animation and god talk, so I assume that only robin williams comes out.

9:40: I was wrong, it was an old human.

9:42: I want to see the dead people catagory.

9:42: Some Pineapple Express scetch.

9:44: One good line, anyone else tired of Seth and the whole Judd Apatow crew? They can recover with "Observe and Report", I think it has promise if they don't go straight down the same lines they've done.

9:46: Not funny. Lots of lights.

9:47: James, Frank and Seth present for best live action short. Otherwise known as the award for a filmed scene that more than 20 people saw so it is popular but less than 30 people saw so it isn't the cool thin.

9:47: New Boy is up. If you haven't seen it go see "Oldboy". No relation. Great movie.

9:53: hugh is singing again. He's good and can dance, but I don't like it. Too many guys in top hats, reminds me of 1997.

9:54: Beyonce??? I think. She's whoreish.

9:54: Beyonce's??? thighs could crush my windpipe quicker than something that crushes quickly.

9:55: A MELODY! Grease was first which I hate to be used in any popular culture setting.

9:55: That one song with women singing, still too menstruatal.

9:56: Taghsdngsahdg, that guy from something is on stage now, and I think it is high nschoool musical, and a guy that looks like bam margera is singing, I don't know these people so therefore they aren't worth their weight in citigroup stock. ha, economy. It sucks. Our future.

9:57: I love "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", one of my favorite songs of all time. Especially when IZ sings it. Absolutely the epitome of heartwarming music. But the fuck my perception of this song and any sort of legitemate art.

9:59: I want to black out and not remember anything. But wait, a Ryan Reynolds and Julia Roberts movia ad! Life is worth much much more in suicide now.

10:02: Chris Walken.

10:02: Besides Chris there are otehr clips of speeches adding on to the already too long speeches that the oscars are known for. Great programming producers.

10"03: Best Supporting Actor. Presenters are Chris Walken yes, Kevin Kline yes, Cuba asoidgnsdogi boo, Joel Grey Yes, and another guy.

10:04: HEath Ledger win coming up.

10:04; Philip Seymour Hoffman joke. To me, one of the two greatest actors of my young life. But won't win tonight. He's won before for Capote and will win again.

10:05: I'm cold.

10:05: Awkward Josh Brolin introduction.

10:06: Robert Downey Jr. Great actor. Should not be nominated for this role. It's funny, but not great acting, and Cuba makes white/fake black people stealing from black people. Oh funny.

10:08: Crowd loves Heath's intro....who will win?????? Better yet, who will accept for him?

10:09: Heath wins, as he should. His parents and sister accept. Well done.

10:09: Was Sean Penn just bawling his eyes out?

10:10: New game...how many actors can we zoom in on catching them fake holding back tears about Mr. ledger?

10:10: Can any industry milk a death more than hollywood.

10:11: Heath's sister is hot, accepts the award for heath's daughter.

10:11: I think besides hollywood, sports and politics are the only professions that actually profit off death with out dealing in death.

10:12: Best Documentary. WIll be Man on Wire.

10:13: It had the best collection of interviews/lead in shit to a award.

10:15: Man on Wire won.

10:15: I've love the few documentaries I've seen by Werner Herzog. I think he'll win someday. My favorite documentary director. I also think he'll get a lifetime achievement award in the next 5 years.

10:17: More flaccid shit.

10:17: More me going away to get a drink and doo stuff.

10:20: Live blogging is fucking exhausting.

10:21: You guys know of a place I can store my penis. Perhaps a yellow roofed warm garage?

10:23: Tom Cruise. Not weird/gay.

10:224: More shitty music...the vines? it sounds like them.

10: WHy does trying to be hip mean being a fucking tool of the popular music industry and their coporate tie ins?

10:26: Will Smith came out to The Dark Knight's music. Is he a knight or just dark?

10:27: VFX=Button's bent over ass. This just keeps adding up to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button not winning any real award.

10:29: Oh, Will said "boom goes the dynamite" he knows what all of us normies are talking about. He's awesome I hope he plays a kind of poor guy getting his shit together in his next movie.

10:30: Dark Knight wins for SFX.

10:31: Sopund mixing. Still fresh prince. Why do they hold out to the end and then wait for one person to love their own voice to present these awards.

10:34: God damn, will is in for anotrher award. Get jazzy jeff in ther efor one at least. We tire of one person.

10:36: Film Editing goes to: My porno!. no, my porno was put together pretty shittily.

10:36: Slumdog wins for editing.

10:37: At this point my facbook captioning is much more enjoyable. But I'll be back after I go shit out of my cock and get another liguid to please my gullet. Splet wrong.

10:43: Eddie Murphy (used to be good) talks about Jerry's Kids (always kind of bad).

10:44: I've got tears.

10:44: Jerry deserves it.

10:46: An awesomely short speech by Jerry but still pretty meaningful.

10:47: I know I come across as a dick but I honestly cry more than the normal person whilst watching movies. It might be due to my life or just that I have a vagina for a face. But I'm not ashamed, I like it because it means I'm human and that I'll die soon.

10:50: The broadcast is slowing down a lot.

10:51: Doing an orchestral show of the nominees for best score. fine, the scores area ll amazing asidfngab asod4ajksdgb but fuck not on prime time wihen you want ratings.

10:51: going away for abit, to drink adn console myself. I can't spell that word, consoul? console? counsol? coudnseEsgf?

10:54: actually that was kind of beautiful.

10:54: HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL MOTHER FUCKERS WHO HAVE NO SOUL!

10:55: THey give an oscar from their own soul, so no one gets an oscar.

10:55: When the fuck is Rothbury going to announce thier line up?

10:56: Slimdog has won the last three awards announced.

10:56: Slumdog is up for two fo the nominees and space vibrator is up for the third.

10:57; Neil Malhotra si singing and the drummers from the beginning of the 2008 olympics are doing their art.

10:58: John Legend is wiping his velvetly smooth voice all over my ass.

11:00: It looks like now Sushil and Jucenta are out dropping their works.

11:01: Steve adn Naveen have crossed over, and they gave a solid finale.

11:02: Zach die.

11::02: Down to earth wins. preiction

11:02: One of the slumdog songs win..........the more they win early one the more I think they won't win the big ones. That or they will swepp a shit ton of awards.

11:03: Ok, a lot of awards are coming up and I need tod rink much more. Foreign language film is next so I"m take a five or ten minute break.

11:11: YEAHHHHHHHHH! The people who are dead. Queen Latifah introduces them but comes across like she is saying that she and other people deserve to know them more than we do. What a queen. She is adude right?

11:12: Who gets the biggest cheer? I vote tom Shannon.

11:13: Wow, michael chrichton died.

11:13 Roy Schieder got a disappointing clap.

1l:15: Charleston HEston= Sad

11:16: Sydny Pollack went over well.

11:17: The winner was Paul Newmen though. And I should have guessed that, it was pretty obvious. Tommy was even in the montage. But he helped to creat about 60 percent of the films in the late seventies, but was unknown. Kind of like me tampons.

11:18: Hugh made a joke about Bush about a month a week too late. But he is foreign so he should dead.

11:19: Reese does an ok but dumb job of introducing best director. But then makes a ben stiller joke and gets laughs but dies in the air.


11:19: I love so many of these directors for past works taht it sucks that they are nominated for lesser works.

11:21: Danny wins for SLumdog, such a shock that the vibe I taped onto my prostate couldn't even shock me enough to not kiss hugh grant.

11:22: A brit.

11:22: There were many great nominees but sad that Darren Aronofsky didn't get nominated.

10:22: In my short life, by far the best director of the films I've seen.

11:26: Best actress award. Halle is out and she's ok, nicole looks good as well. BOth are women who can be crazy hot and also ugly.

11:27: Austin is trying to talk to me, excuse me, there are women on tv so fuck that.

11:30: A fucking plastic surgery beast.

11:32: Still no winner.

11:33: Katie wins.

11:35: An ok speech. I've liked her since eternal, so I'm a bit biased.

11:35: But she looked like shit. And by shit, still pretty hot and she gave it up to Sydney.

11:36: Every year we talk about how speeches go too long and this year the academy is still show clips of old speeches.

11:37: I finally cut off my hyprocrite detector and I die.

11:37: Ok, so the getting old winners ot say shit is getting dumb. I don't want cy young to come out announce that ass injection roger won the most hopped up award this year.

11:39: Mickey should win. I hope he wins. Sean Penn, is great, Bobby introduced him great, but he brough up I AM SAM which was shit. But Mickey deserves it.

11:40: Also, I do love Richard Jenkins. He has been 'that guy' for too many years.

11:41: Still I think Mickey Wins. Brad Pitt does not deserve it for this film. Maybe another Fincher film though, but not this film.

11:43:Bull shit.

11:43: Sean penn only won because the academy loves actors who play real life persons and prop 8.

11:44: I'm done blogging the oscars. This just goes to prove that the academy is a horrible group of people to decide these awards.

They shot down Ellen Burstyn so many years ago and that was the first shame of my life.

I mean, I love Sean Penn, I love Gus, I love this film, but this award was too motivated by the scene of the people they vote on.

Nobody in the academy wants to stand up and say hey lets not be predictable dicks and cater to those who ultimately pay our checks.










I want to commit seppuku. Does anyone care about my opinion?

I think no.



Best movie I've seen in the past three weeks.......The Seventh Seal. Plus "The Grateful Dead Movie" even though they hated it it made me want to live in a time that cottage cheese was used as a lube.


Alright. Michgan lost today and I"m not popping up so fuck you all.

Oscars: Second Post

So now I decided to do a semi-live blog for the oscars cause I don't want to think about captions for a new facebook photo album.

Steve made a joke which is a few weeks old after seeing 30 rock.

9:00: Still hate the presentation for screenplays. Adapted, Original or Vaginal.

9:01: I'm betting on Slumdog, for every catagory it is in tonight.

9:02: I win. Fuck you Dewey.

9:04: Good short speech I like it, but he'll be back up a few times tonight.

9:04: Jen, I hope Brad and Jolie come up somehow and fight her. Also, a lesser version of me is there.

9:05: Shit about animation. I watched Wall-E with some younger people. My favorite part was me discussing how so much of the science doesn't hold up to real life or our predictions for the next 50 years. Also, fucking talking animals and fucking George Lucas. All of which my love of not being down symdrome-y makes me not enjoy.

9:07: Can we not have good animation that has actual human characters in? Kids that age love the character that the animals have. Why not use humans so as they get older they can love character driven movies rather than the shit action movies that are destroying cinema. I blame Pixar for everything.

9:08: Animated short film = liquid out the cock and making another drink. Back shortly.

Kissing your knee won't make you not throw up

With the year 2012 coming up there are many thoughts about the apocalypse. Many from the Maya calendar. But I'm going to prop up a new position of thought. I think the world will end in 2012, around August. Mainly because of Rudolf Diesel.

He is, obviously the inventor of the diesel engine and thus gave life to modern day freaks, dead.

After his great creation he was lost 'overboard' the ship "Dresden", no one knows how he fell over or anything at all relating to his death.

I believe it was the machines giving birth to themselves through the destruction of their own creator, (a whole classical literature thing that I pop blood vessels upon) to rev up a revolution of diesel machines. Diesel machines having failed I now fear Chloe Sevigny, trying too hard to be it.

Kill Anderson

Back in '86 I went to Branson and got hocked up with a post office job by a guy named Collard. I met him a a bar and he brought me in, but got fired two weeks later for being a drunk.

So I was new in town and green at the job. Most the guys who had their shit together just stared down the manager. I tried the same but I was a vagina on legs so it didn't work too well. I had to learn how to be a man and work my shift.

The quickest way to accomplish that was to come to work smoking a cigarette and put the cig out on another guy's face. Then if anyone else tries to jump in I pull my small waist knife and cut my palm. I do little damage to myself but show the bullshitters that I'm not Ray Liotta'ing shit everywhere, and the attacker escapes singing sad sad songs. Fool proof plane. As long as no one is serious.

Bobby and lights

God damn, I have a cock; you have a cock or a vagina, or some odd combination of the two.

Want to meet for cocktails?

Many say no. So let's meet for wieners and tacos.

Providing common STD's

I don't want to blame my neighbors for herpes, but come on, they are whores. And they let me fuck their asses on day naught.

Change

I finally got my HDD fixed. So, I might start posting new posts soon. I'm not sure of the demand for my thoughts. I think it is rather small and contrite. But if 3 people ask me to continue I shall. And if not, then I might still just ramble on.


New post.

My last high school zoo visit was with a girlfriend of mine. All was going great until we saw the beautiful creature that was the polar bear. He as swimming in a very exact pattern. At first I though it was because of my girl's menstruation and the bear smelling it. But it turned out that it was my bag of Brother Laurent that drove the beast crazy.

Just goes to show you that the velvet tunnel isn't to blame for everything.

I shot my foot, but my foot was 50 Cent

I often wonder about the word 'legacy'. You'll meet some shaver who says "What's the legacy of mustard?". And it is an absolute waste of my time.

I was always confused until last night. I was having a God threesome and one of the girls takes a jalapeno pepper and, as I'm Flying Dragon the other chick, jams it right up my ass. And I couldn't help but think, 'what will be the legacy of this jalapeno pepper?'

Tim Leary

When I kick my toe on a couch I often ask, "Why Jesus, why?". Most of the time he replies with, "Why not?" It is now that I question my Jewish faith.

If Jesus is such a dick, how can't he be real?

Nurses joke

When I worked as a sales associate at ACE hardware customers would often come in and ask for some tubing. I would ask what kind and i would list off the types we had available. I'd usually try to sneak in fallopian tubing and it would go unnoticed at first and the customer would realize what i said and say, "wait, isn't fallopian tubing the..."

"Vagina tubing, yes" I'd interject.

And we both would laugh. I'd lean back laughing uproariously and pat my belly and he would double over with a mighty guffaw and slap his knee.

He would then ask for about 10 feet, because it is hard to find fallopian tubing up for sale these days and you need to stock pile when you can.

Tired of titles

About three or so years ago I was riding the campus bus up north and we stopped by the dorm named Markley. I cut off my mute and poured forth "All 'Barkley's get off'. Comic gold.

Girl's from Markley have been shy recently, I guess they don't know the lore. So says Tzu.

My lube is running dry

A random iTunes song is the same as saying I want a random person to make love to me. In the old days I could lie on the most satin bed and hope for Bea Arthur to ride my dick for hours, but if Dean Martin starts fucking my ass and I could do nothing until I expelled seminal fluid. But these days, once I see Dean with that look in his eyes I move over to Frank, and he reams the fuck out of me.


Napster? For hits?

Amy Poehler at the bank

I went to the bank today, a Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation backed bank (yeah I've got that kind of money), to deposit a few rent checks from my housemates. The female clerk asked me for my ID, to show that I was really Mr. Mustache On or Off, and replied with "Let me see your ID." She then proceeded to menstruate all over an important piece of legislation. It was only then that I recognized my clerk as H. R. Clinton.

The Ted Kennedy Rule

Right now I am at home after going to a bar that sells very cheap pitchers of beer that is served to us by a waitress who knows my group of friends quite well. We don't have to show IDs and she automatically brings over the beer to us when we walk in.

But this post is not about that. This post is about the fact that I am drinking a fine smoked whiskey right now that a fellow left at my house. And that I am playing "Grandia" an RPG originally released for the first Playstation. Also, I'm listening to STS9.

So to sum up, never have a threesome with a blonde and a redhead. Shit won't balance out, trust me.

Volcan Raven

I was outside of my house and enjoying the fresh air when two non-sober gals walked by. They came up to me and started talking to me. I dropped the chlamydia word and they ran off with their juices retreating into their labium.

God Bless America. Fourth of July

I remember a time, about 7 years ago, when I was not capable of jumping a hat. I put the hat on my head. A guy then jumped over me. He stuck his penis in my armpit, a bit of axiphilia.


Since that time I can't eat toast. The word 'toast' sounds so danish.

Penis. Condom. Hat.

That means practice safe sex kiddos. I don't fuck preggos.

Sautee

Dude man, my onion winked at me. She said, I can't peel myself away from you. Then I took my santoku knife and cut the shit out of her. Just like Princess Di.

Dead Language

I once actually met a woman face to face.

Nona mastoid.

Enough said.

Harley Davidson

I met a girl on eHarmony. She seems pretty solid. Looks attractive and comes across as decently smart. We share the same taste in music and movies. She is the kind of gal that I could see myself with in the future. So I put the moves on her

But I guess a mustache ride doesn't translate as well over the internet as it does in person. It might actually come across as not normal.

Close Ass Door

Dude, man, the iTunes visualizer knows what it is doing. Mustache On or Off is by no means a pro drug site, but Mustache On or Off has done a few illegal drugs. My cousin was supposed to come here and bring me a cigarette.