Friday, February 27, 2009

It ain't the club kid era

There was once a girl I really liked and she asked me back to here place. After a glass of wine I excused myself to the bathroom and found some hairspray. I immediately pulled my few remaining pubes out and sprayed them straight.

I went back to room and dropped my pants and said, "I'm so horny that not only is Brown Crown One erect but also my pubic hair is hard as a throbbing cock.

Later that night, I paid for a hooker.

That hooker later turned out to be a post office drop box. I lost 50 bucks and only ejaculated twice.


I am now pretty late into my earthbound life. I figure, at best, I have 4 years left. So I've decided to follow my one true dream. And that dream is to be an actor.

Not just any damn actor, but the actor in infomercials who represents the old school way. I want to be the guy who shows how normal knives or ab workouts just don't cut it these days. All it takes it for you to hold a knife, try to cut a tomato, and then fuck it up so much that any way besides the new doesn't work. That usually means slashing at the item and make a mess and possible cutting yourself and throwing the knife to the side. Also it is all shot in black and white (to show the past) and big red 'X's over my hands. Or for the abs, I try to do a normal crunch and just gyrate the fuck out of myself on the ground without getting more than an inch off the ground and then hold my back showing how much the old workouts destroy my body.

I think I can actually do all that. Just be a complete fucktard and not know how to do simple everyday things. The best would be if they had a new ass wiping machine. I would shit and then just jam my hand up my ass with a roll of paper towel and look at the camera confused. We'd sell a deuce and a million.

Spring forth from my rib.

About one or two thirds worth of the holy trinities days ago I had a conversation with my roommate when I epiphanized all over my stomach, chest and a dribble on my chin.

We were watching television when the treehouse South Park episode came on. A vision struck me. I saw myself years down the line talking to mustache-jr and he wanted a treehouse. Me, being a cock wielding human knew I could build it myself without any help from professionals. Then about 20 seconds later my vision showed my son being crushed to death by my work.

This actually isn't a vision, it is how my first 4 born died.

Well, kind of. The third also died of not having a mustache. He was kind of a dick.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Oscar: Fourth Post

Not edited, becayse once I edit I lower myself to

9:16 Horse and Brit for something.

9:16: Must have peanut butter in her mouth. Bond makes here talk by adding or taking away crunch. It is for production designer, what does that mean? Producer? Designer? I can do that with my fecal matter on a Tuesday.

9:17: DDuchess guy should win, or Dark Knights guy.

9:18: The designer of Ben's button wins. I disagree, New Orleans isn't a real town anymore so any past history of it is inconsequiential.

9:20: Costume Dersigner nominees, the difference between oscar and porn award.

9:21: To quote the horse, "The award goes to the duchess Michael O'Conner". Haha, clothing stuff, duchess, a guy. There was probably different timing but still, that is one homophobic horse.

9:23: God damn, Bond ride your clydesdale the fuck into the sunset. Now we get makeup awards.

9:24: Ben's button and how it mysterious went away wins again for a shitty technical award.


9:26: HIGH SCHOOL TWILIGHT, or something! I want to die.

9:27: Some romance bullshit.*

*Not seen: My mind and the idea of the Oscars and Hollywood not fellating itself for two months during award season. I would break my dick off in that whore.

9:29: Go back to facebook captions.

9:30: Wait....that wasn't an award just scene? Oh, ABC you are clever foxes.

9:32: Ben Stiller is doing an identical joke about Jauquin Pheonix that was on last night's Spirit awards, which was filmed days before that.

9:33: Hollywood loves it. Ron Howard wants to fuck the schtick.

9:34: Oh the award is for best cinematography. And the Jauquin joke goes on despite being old two weeks ago.

9:35: Did a voice over to read the nominees in his normal voice, way to play the joke out.

9:35: Anthony Mantle wins for SLumdog Millionaire. Then sticks his limp dick in the speech.

9:37: Beer me, back in a bit.

9:39: Some chick is talking. Some animation and god talk, so I assume that only robin williams comes out.

9:40: I was wrong, it was an old human.

9:42: I want to see the dead people catagory.

9:42: Some Pineapple Express scetch.

9:44: One good line, anyone else tired of Seth and the whole Judd Apatow crew? They can recover with "Observe and Report", I think it has promise if they don't go straight down the same lines they've done.

9:46: Not funny. Lots of lights.

9:47: James, Frank and Seth present for best live action short. Otherwise known as the award for a filmed scene that more than 20 people saw so it is popular but less than 30 people saw so it isn't the cool thin.

9:47: New Boy is up. If you haven't seen it go see "Oldboy". No relation. Great movie.

9:53: hugh is singing again. He's good and can dance, but I don't like it. Too many guys in top hats, reminds me of 1997.

9:54: Beyonce??? I think. She's whoreish.

9:54: Beyonce's??? thighs could crush my windpipe quicker than something that crushes quickly.

9:55: A MELODY! Grease was first which I hate to be used in any popular culture setting.

9:55: That one song with women singing, still too menstruatal.

9:56: Taghsdngsahdg, that guy from something is on stage now, and I think it is high nschoool musical, and a guy that looks like bam margera is singing, I don't know these people so therefore they aren't worth their weight in citigroup stock. ha, economy. It sucks. Our future.

9:57: I love "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", one of my favorite songs of all time. Especially when IZ sings it. Absolutely the epitome of heartwarming music. But the fuck my perception of this song and any sort of legitemate art.

9:59: I want to black out and not remember anything. But wait, a Ryan Reynolds and Julia Roberts movia ad! Life is worth much much more in suicide now.

10:02: Chris Walken.

10:02: Besides Chris there are otehr clips of speeches adding on to the already too long speeches that the oscars are known for. Great programming producers.

10"03: Best Supporting Actor. Presenters are Chris Walken yes, Kevin Kline yes, Cuba asoidgnsdogi boo, Joel Grey Yes, and another guy.

10:04: HEath Ledger win coming up.

10:04; Philip Seymour Hoffman joke. To me, one of the two greatest actors of my young life. But won't win tonight. He's won before for Capote and will win again.

10:05: I'm cold.

10:05: Awkward Josh Brolin introduction.

10:06: Robert Downey Jr. Great actor. Should not be nominated for this role. It's funny, but not great acting, and Cuba makes white/fake black people stealing from black people. Oh funny.

10:08: Crowd loves Heath's intro....who will win?????? Better yet, who will accept for him?

10:09: Heath wins, as he should. His parents and sister accept. Well done.

10:09: Was Sean Penn just bawling his eyes out?

10:10: New many actors can we zoom in on catching them fake holding back tears about Mr. ledger?

10:10: Can any industry milk a death more than hollywood.

10:11: Heath's sister is hot, accepts the award for heath's daughter.

10:11: I think besides hollywood, sports and politics are the only professions that actually profit off death with out dealing in death.

10:12: Best Documentary. WIll be Man on Wire.

10:13: It had the best collection of interviews/lead in shit to a award.

10:15: Man on Wire won.

10:15: I've love the few documentaries I've seen by Werner Herzog. I think he'll win someday. My favorite documentary director. I also think he'll get a lifetime achievement award in the next 5 years.

10:17: More flaccid shit.

10:17: More me going away to get a drink and doo stuff.

10:20: Live blogging is fucking exhausting.

10:21: You guys know of a place I can store my penis. Perhaps a yellow roofed warm garage?

10:23: Tom Cruise. Not weird/gay.

10:224: More shitty music...the vines? it sounds like them.

10: WHy does trying to be hip mean being a fucking tool of the popular music industry and their coporate tie ins?

10:26: Will Smith came out to The Dark Knight's music. Is he a knight or just dark?

10:27: VFX=Button's bent over ass. This just keeps adding up to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button not winning any real award.

10:29: Oh, Will said "boom goes the dynamite" he knows what all of us normies are talking about. He's awesome I hope he plays a kind of poor guy getting his shit together in his next movie.

10:30: Dark Knight wins for SFX.

10:31: Sopund mixing. Still fresh prince. Why do they hold out to the end and then wait for one person to love their own voice to present these awards.

10:34: God damn, will is in for anotrher award. Get jazzy jeff in ther efor one at least. We tire of one person.

10:36: Film Editing goes to: My porno!. no, my porno was put together pretty shittily.

10:36: Slumdog wins for editing.

10:37: At this point my facbook captioning is much more enjoyable. But I'll be back after I go shit out of my cock and get another liguid to please my gullet. Splet wrong.

10:43: Eddie Murphy (used to be good) talks about Jerry's Kids (always kind of bad).

10:44: I've got tears.

10:44: Jerry deserves it.

10:46: An awesomely short speech by Jerry but still pretty meaningful.

10:47: I know I come across as a dick but I honestly cry more than the normal person whilst watching movies. It might be due to my life or just that I have a vagina for a face. But I'm not ashamed, I like it because it means I'm human and that I'll die soon.

10:50: The broadcast is slowing down a lot.

10:51: Doing an orchestral show of the nominees for best score. fine, the scores area ll amazing asidfngab asod4ajksdgb but fuck not on prime time wihen you want ratings.

10:51: going away for abit, to drink adn console myself. I can't spell that word, consoul? console? counsol? coudnseEsgf?

10:54: actually that was kind of beautiful.


10:55: THey give an oscar from their own soul, so no one gets an oscar.

10:55: When the fuck is Rothbury going to announce thier line up?

10:56: Slimdog has won the last three awards announced.

10:56: Slumdog is up for two fo the nominees and space vibrator is up for the third.

10:57; Neil Malhotra si singing and the drummers from the beginning of the 2008 olympics are doing their art.

10:58: John Legend is wiping his velvetly smooth voice all over my ass.

11:00: It looks like now Sushil and Jucenta are out dropping their works.

11:01: Steve adn Naveen have crossed over, and they gave a solid finale.

11:02: Zach die.

11::02: Down to earth wins. preiction

11:02: One of the slumdog songs win..........the more they win early one the more I think they won't win the big ones. That or they will swepp a shit ton of awards.

11:03: Ok, a lot of awards are coming up and I need tod rink much more. Foreign language film is next so I"m take a five or ten minute break.

11:11: YEAHHHHHHHHH! The people who are dead. Queen Latifah introduces them but comes across like she is saying that she and other people deserve to know them more than we do. What a queen. She is adude right?

11:12: Who gets the biggest cheer? I vote tom Shannon.

11:13: Wow, michael chrichton died.

11:13 Roy Schieder got a disappointing clap.

1l:15: Charleston HEston= Sad

11:16: Sydny Pollack went over well.

11:17: The winner was Paul Newmen though. And I should have guessed that, it was pretty obvious. Tommy was even in the montage. But he helped to creat about 60 percent of the films in the late seventies, but was unknown. Kind of like me tampons.

11:18: Hugh made a joke about Bush about a month a week too late. But he is foreign so he should dead.

11:19: Reese does an ok but dumb job of introducing best director. But then makes a ben stiller joke and gets laughs but dies in the air.

11:19: I love so many of these directors for past works taht it sucks that they are nominated for lesser works.

11:21: Danny wins for SLumdog, such a shock that the vibe I taped onto my prostate couldn't even shock me enough to not kiss hugh grant.

11:22: A brit.

11:22: There were many great nominees but sad that Darren Aronofsky didn't get nominated.

10:22: In my short life, by far the best director of the films I've seen.

11:26: Best actress award. Halle is out and she's ok, nicole looks good as well. BOth are women who can be crazy hot and also ugly.

11:27: Austin is trying to talk to me, excuse me, there are women on tv so fuck that.

11:30: A fucking plastic surgery beast.

11:32: Still no winner.

11:33: Katie wins.

11:35: An ok speech. I've liked her since eternal, so I'm a bit biased.

11:35: But she looked like shit. And by shit, still pretty hot and she gave it up to Sydney.

11:36: Every year we talk about how speeches go too long and this year the academy is still show clips of old speeches.

11:37: I finally cut off my hyprocrite detector and I die.

11:37: Ok, so the getting old winners ot say shit is getting dumb. I don't want cy young to come out announce that ass injection roger won the most hopped up award this year.

11:39: Mickey should win. I hope he wins. Sean Penn, is great, Bobby introduced him great, but he brough up I AM SAM which was shit. But Mickey deserves it.

11:40: Also, I do love Richard Jenkins. He has been 'that guy' for too many years.

11:41: Still I think Mickey Wins. Brad Pitt does not deserve it for this film. Maybe another Fincher film though, but not this film.

11:43:Bull shit.

11:43: Sean penn only won because the academy loves actors who play real life persons and prop 8.

11:44: I'm done blogging the oscars. This just goes to prove that the academy is a horrible group of people to decide these awards.

They shot down Ellen Burstyn so many years ago and that was the first shame of my life.

I mean, I love Sean Penn, I love Gus, I love this film, but this award was too motivated by the scene of the people they vote on.

Nobody in the academy wants to stand up and say hey lets not be predictable dicks and cater to those who ultimately pay our checks.

I want to commit seppuku. Does anyone care about my opinion?

I think no.

Best movie I've seen in the past three weeks.......The Seventh Seal. Plus "The Grateful Dead Movie" even though they hated it it made me want to live in a time that cottage cheese was used as a lube.

Alright. Michgan lost today and I"m not popping up so fuck you all.

Oscar: Third Post

9:11: I don't want people to think I hate animated films, I don't. "Spirited Away" is one of my top 3 movies of all time. And Kunio Kato was great with his acceptance speech so I might try to watch "La Maison en Petits Cubes" if that is the right title or I got it a bit wrong. Yeah.

9:13: I am going to take a lot longer between actual postings. Maybe wait the whole time. But I'll still do blog it live. We'll see how it goes.

Oscars: Second Post

So now I decided to do a semi-live blog for the oscars cause I don't want to think about captions for a new facebook photo album.

Steve made a joke which is a few weeks old after seeing 30 rock.

9:00: Still hate the presentation for screenplays. Adapted, Original or Vaginal.

9:01: I'm betting on Slumdog, for every catagory it is in tonight.

9:02: I win. Fuck you Dewey.

9:04: Good short speech I like it, but he'll be back up a few times tonight.

9:04: Jen, I hope Brad and Jolie come up somehow and fight her. Also, a lesser version of me is there.

9:05: Shit about animation. I watched Wall-E with some younger people. My favorite part was me discussing how so much of the science doesn't hold up to real life or our predictions for the next 50 years. Also, fucking talking animals and fucking George Lucas. All of which my love of not being down symdrome-y makes me not enjoy.

9:07: Can we not have good animation that has actual human characters in? Kids that age love the character that the animals have. Why not use humans so as they get older they can love character driven movies rather than the shit action movies that are destroying cinema. I blame Pixar for everything.

9:08: Animated short film = liquid out the cock and making another drink. Back shortly.

Oscars: First Post

Thoughts of the 81st oscars after 20 minutes.

Hugh had a rather entertaining opening.

First award: Best supporting actress. Winner, Penelope Cruz, looked better at last nights Spirit awards, but worthy.

During the listing of nominess they went from Penelope to Marissa Tomei. Both attractive women, and Marissa looked amazing in "The Wrestler". But right behind Marissa, over her should, was a horse. I didn't recognize her right away but I believe she let the star chicks of "Sex in the City" ride around on her wide haunches and she would the graze in Central Park during actual work.

Ahhhhhhh spanish. She should forfeit her award for associating with Rafa Nadal with that language.

Finally, Tom Colicchio had a commercial for some alcohol, thought it was better than the fat guys trying to sell mike's hard on.

Wait, Steve Martin and Tina Fey continue to somehow think that being funny makes them the shit. Bot are funny, but not funny enough to glance at my dashing eyes with their nose higher than mine. They are there for best original screenplay. Which was presented much better last night, and had better choices. But that is because the studios only have a 80% sway over the nominees and winners.

Dustin Lance Blackman for "Milk", which I agree with. I mean what with prop 8 and all, I mean it takes 8 to prop up my penis when flaccid, imagine when a movie ties into prop 32 which will allow dead holocaust victim marrieges, my penis will swell to unknown proportions.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Step 1: Pay idiots, Phase 2: , Phase 3: Profits

While driving to the local food shop I noticed something odd. Just outside of town there is a Nie Funeral Home, and right by it there is a rather sharp dangerous turn. Either this is a coincidence or Nie is a genius killing house.

If I were them I would go to High School Musical fan clubs and pay the people there to drive at excessive speeds around that particular bend in the road. Because they obviously hate themselves and life (even if they don't realize it), and it would be a favour (look I'm British! or a dick hipster) to the rest of us non-subnormals.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Kurt Cobain: Why he did it

After I got done brushing my teeth this morning, 2 pm because that is when I wake, I was taking a drink of water from the cup in my bathroom. This cup is about the size of a highball glass, just to give you an idea. But at the concave bottom of the cup my two eyes were reflected just right to form one eye on my forehead area, which I naturally assumed to be my jjanacaksu meaning I've finally reached enlightenment and Nirvana after years of patience and steadfast belief in the teachings of Buddha.

Looking into the normal mirror I was shown that my thoughts were not correct, and thus I've decided to become a dick to everyone and never trust bathroom glasses again.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Taking care of business

I hate the way eggs crack into themselves. That is so fucking selfish.

I almost think they should talk to Kyle Thompson (hint for those confused, it is not the golfer).

The biggest dig in the world.

Kissing your knee won't make you not throw up

With the year 2012 coming up there are many thoughts about the apocalypse. Many from the Maya calendar. But I'm going to prop up a new position of thought. I think the world will end in 2012, around August. Mainly because of Rudolf Diesel.

He is, obviously the inventor of the diesel engine and thus gave life to modern day freaks, dead.

After his great creation he was lost 'overboard' the ship "Dresden", no one knows how he fell over or anything at all relating to his death.

I believe it was the machines giving birth to themselves through the destruction of their own creator, (a whole classical literature thing that I pop blood vessels upon) to rev up a revolution of diesel machines. Diesel machines having failed I now fear Chloe Sevigny, trying too hard to be it.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Time to kill today

Tonight I have drunk a fifth of Jack and about 4 beers. But I started drinking at like 5, so it has been some time. But spelling myself out only makes it seem like I know how to manipulate the english language.

Sun Tzu in the end

As a rebirth blog, I am asking my 3 faithful fans to challenge me.

Give me an amount of alcohol and a time limit to consume it I shall blog it and see what happens.

You might also say like drink "x" and watch "x" and see how it comes out.

Whatever, just challenge me. And god penis you all.

Kill Anderson

Back in '86 I went to Branson and got hocked up with a post office job by a guy named Collard. I met him a a bar and he brought me in, but got fired two weeks later for being a drunk.

So I was new in town and green at the job. Most the guys who had their shit together just stared down the manager. I tried the same but I was a vagina on legs so it didn't work too well. I had to learn how to be a man and work my shift.

The quickest way to accomplish that was to come to work smoking a cigarette and put the cig out on another guy's face. Then if anyone else tries to jump in I pull my small waist knife and cut my palm. I do little damage to myself but show the bullshitters that I'm not Ray Liotta'ing shit everywhere, and the attacker escapes singing sad sad songs. Fool proof plane. As long as no one is serious.


An old samurai man once told me that the tightest you go is the worst marriage.

I should have trusted him, cause the tighest hole I knew was Yamamoto Tsunetomo and he went all seppuku on me.

Bobby and lights

God damn, I have a cock; you have a cock or a vagina, or some odd combination of the two.

Want to meet for cocktails?

Many say no. So let's meet for wieners and tacos.


Whenever I look at a pair of scissors my mind immediately runs to the treaty of Versailles. Then I go straight to the thought process of hating double "L" sounding not like a double el sound.

Providing common STD's

I don't want to blame my neighbors for herpes, but come on, they are whores. And they let me fuck their asses on day naught.


I finally got my HDD fixed. So, I might start posting new posts soon. I'm not sure of the demand for my thoughts. I think it is rather small and contrite. But if 3 people ask me to continue I shall. And if not, then I might still just ramble on.

New post.

My last high school zoo visit was with a girlfriend of mine. All was going great until we saw the beautiful creature that was the polar bear. He as swimming in a very exact pattern. At first I though it was because of my girl's menstruation and the bear smelling it. But it turned out that it was my bag of Brother Laurent that drove the beast crazy.

Just goes to show you that the velvet tunnel isn't to blame for everything.