Oscar: Fourth Post

Not edited, becayse once I edit I lower myself to




9:16 Horse and Brit for something.

9:16: Must have peanut butter in her mouth. Bond makes here talk by adding or taking away crunch. It is for production designer, what does that mean? Producer? Designer? I can do that with my fecal matter on a Tuesday.

9:17: DDuchess guy should win, or Dark Knights guy.

9:18: The designer of Ben's button wins. I disagree, New Orleans isn't a real town anymore so any past history of it is inconsequiential.

9:20: Costume Dersigner nominees, the difference between oscar and porn award.

9:21: To quote the horse, "The award goes to the duchess Michael O'Conner". Haha, clothing stuff, duchess, a guy. There was probably different timing but still, that is one homophobic horse.

9:23: God damn, Bond ride your clydesdale the fuck into the sunset. Now we get makeup awards.

9:24: Ben's button and how it mysterious went away wins again for a shitty technical award.

9:25: I WON AN AWARD!!! LET ME READ A LIST OF PEOPLE I MET WHEN MAKING THIS FILM! MY DICK ONLY INSERTS INTO THINGS THAT HAVE INSTRUCTIONS!

9:26: HIGH SCHOOL TWILIGHT, or something! I want to die.


9:27: Some romance bullshit.*

*Not seen: My mind and the idea of the Oscars and Hollywood not fellating itself for two months during award season. I would break my dick off in that whore.

9:29: Go back to facebook captions.

9:30: Wait....that wasn't an award just scene? Oh, ABC you are clever foxes.

9:32: Ben Stiller is doing an identical joke about Jauquin Pheonix that was on last night's Spirit awards, which was filmed days before that.

9:33: Hollywood loves it. Ron Howard wants to fuck the schtick.

9:34: Oh the award is for best cinematography. And the Jauquin joke goes on despite being old two weeks ago.

9:35: Did a voice over to read the nominees in his normal voice, way to play the joke out.

9:35: Anthony Mantle wins for SLumdog Millionaire. Then sticks his limp dick in the speech.

9:37: Beer me, back in a bit.

9:39: Some chick is talking. Some animation and god talk, so I assume that only robin williams comes out.

9:40: I was wrong, it was an old human.

9:42: I want to see the dead people catagory.

9:42: Some Pineapple Express scetch.

9:44: One good line, anyone else tired of Seth and the whole Judd Apatow crew? They can recover with "Observe and Report", I think it has promise if they don't go straight down the same lines they've done.

9:46: Not funny. Lots of lights.

9:47: James, Frank and Seth present for best live action short. Otherwise known as the award for a filmed scene that more than 20 people saw so it is popular but less than 30 people saw so it isn't the cool thin.

9:47: New Boy is up. If you haven't seen it go see "Oldboy". No relation. Great movie.

9:53: hugh is singing again. He's good and can dance, but I don't like it. Too many guys in top hats, reminds me of 1997.

9:54: Beyonce??? I think. She's whoreish.

9:54: Beyonce's??? thighs could crush my windpipe quicker than something that crushes quickly.

9:55: A MELODY! Grease was first which I hate to be used in any popular culture setting.

9:55: That one song with women singing, still too menstruatal.

9:56: Taghsdngsahdg, that guy from something is on stage now, and I think it is high nschoool musical, and a guy that looks like bam margera is singing, I don't know these people so therefore they aren't worth their weight in citigroup stock. ha, economy. It sucks. Our future.

9:57: I love "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", one of my favorite songs of all time. Especially when IZ sings it. Absolutely the epitome of heartwarming music. But the fuck my perception of this song and any sort of legitemate art.

9:59: I want to black out and not remember anything. But wait, a Ryan Reynolds and Julia Roberts movia ad! Life is worth much much more in suicide now.

10:02: Chris Walken.

10:02: Besides Chris there are otehr clips of speeches adding on to the already too long speeches that the oscars are known for. Great programming producers.

10"03: Best Supporting Actor. Presenters are Chris Walken yes, Kevin Kline yes, Cuba asoidgnsdogi boo, Joel Grey Yes, and another guy.

10:04: HEath Ledger win coming up.

10:04; Philip Seymour Hoffman joke. To me, one of the two greatest actors of my young life. But won't win tonight. He's won before for Capote and will win again.

10:05: I'm cold.

10:05: Awkward Josh Brolin introduction.

10:06: Robert Downey Jr. Great actor. Should not be nominated for this role. It's funny, but not great acting, and Cuba makes white/fake black people stealing from black people. Oh funny.

10:08: Crowd loves Heath's intro....who will win?????? Better yet, who will accept for him?

10:09: Heath wins, as he should. His parents and sister accept. Well done.

10:09: Was Sean Penn just bawling his eyes out?

10:10: New game...how many actors can we zoom in on catching them fake holding back tears about Mr. ledger?

10:10: Can any industry milk a death more than hollywood.

10:11: Heath's sister is hot, accepts the award for heath's daughter.

10:11: I think besides hollywood, sports and politics are the only professions that actually profit off death with out dealing in death.

10:12: Best Documentary. WIll be Man on Wire.

10:13: It had the best collection of interviews/lead in shit to a award.

10:15: Man on Wire won.

10:15: I've love the few documentaries I've seen by Werner Herzog. I think he'll win someday. My favorite documentary director. I also think he'll get a lifetime achievement award in the next 5 years.

10:17: More flaccid shit.

10:17: More me going away to get a drink and doo stuff.

10:20: Live blogging is fucking exhausting.

10:21: You guys know of a place I can store my penis. Perhaps a yellow roofed warm garage?

10:23: Tom Cruise. Not weird/gay.

10:224: More shitty music...the vines? it sounds like them.

10: WHy does trying to be hip mean being a fucking tool of the popular music industry and their coporate tie ins?

10:26: Will Smith came out to The Dark Knight's music. Is he a knight or just dark?

10:27: VFX=Button's bent over ass. This just keeps adding up to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button not winning any real award.

10:29: Oh, Will said "boom goes the dynamite" he knows what all of us normies are talking about. He's awesome I hope he plays a kind of poor guy getting his shit together in his next movie.

10:30: Dark Knight wins for SFX.

10:31: Sopund mixing. Still fresh prince. Why do they hold out to the end and then wait for one person to love their own voice to present these awards.

10:34: God damn, will is in for anotrher award. Get jazzy jeff in ther efor one at least. We tire of one person.

10:36: Film Editing goes to: My porno!. no, my porno was put together pretty shittily.

10:36: Slumdog wins for editing.

10:37: At this point my facbook captioning is much more enjoyable. But I'll be back after I go shit out of my cock and get another liguid to please my gullet. Splet wrong.

10:43: Eddie Murphy (used to be good) talks about Jerry's Kids (always kind of bad).

10:44: I've got tears.

10:44: Jerry deserves it.

10:46: An awesomely short speech by Jerry but still pretty meaningful.

10:47: I know I come across as a dick but I honestly cry more than the normal person whilst watching movies. It might be due to my life or just that I have a vagina for a face. But I'm not ashamed, I like it because it means I'm human and that I'll die soon.

10:50: The broadcast is slowing down a lot.

10:51: Doing an orchestral show of the nominees for best score. fine, the scores area ll amazing asidfngab asod4ajksdgb but fuck not on prime time wihen you want ratings.

10:51: going away for abit, to drink adn console myself. I can't spell that word, consoul? console? counsol? coudnseEsgf?

10:54: actually that was kind of beautiful.

10:54: HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL MOTHER FUCKERS WHO HAVE NO SOUL!

10:55: THey give an oscar from their own soul, so no one gets an oscar.

10:55: When the fuck is Rothbury going to announce thier line up?

10:56: Slimdog has won the last three awards announced.

10:56: Slumdog is up for two fo the nominees and space vibrator is up for the third.

10:57; Neil Malhotra si singing and the drummers from the beginning of the 2008 olympics are doing their art.

10:58: John Legend is wiping his velvetly smooth voice all over my ass.

11:00: It looks like now Sushil and Jucenta are out dropping their works.

11:01: Steve adn Naveen have crossed over, and they gave a solid finale.

11:02: Zach die.

11::02: Down to earth wins. preiction

11:02: One of the slumdog songs win..........the more they win early one the more I think they won't win the big ones. That or they will swepp a shit ton of awards.

11:03: Ok, a lot of awards are coming up and I need tod rink much more. Foreign language film is next so I"m take a five or ten minute break.

11:11: YEAHHHHHHHHH! The people who are dead. Queen Latifah introduces them but comes across like she is saying that she and other people deserve to know them more than we do. What a queen. She is adude right?

11:12: Who gets the biggest cheer? I vote tom Shannon.

11:13: Wow, michael chrichton died.

11:13 Roy Schieder got a disappointing clap.

1l:15: Charleston HEston= Sad

11:16: Sydny Pollack went over well.

11:17: The winner was Paul Newmen though. And I should have guessed that, it was pretty obvious. Tommy was even in the montage. But he helped to creat about 60 percent of the films in the late seventies, but was unknown. Kind of like me tampons.

11:18: Hugh made a joke about Bush about a month a week too late. But he is foreign so he should dead.

11:19: Reese does an ok but dumb job of introducing best director. But then makes a ben stiller joke and gets laughs but dies in the air.


11:19: I love so many of these directors for past works taht it sucks that they are nominated for lesser works.

11:21: Danny wins for SLumdog, such a shock that the vibe I taped onto my prostate couldn't even shock me enough to not kiss hugh grant.

11:22: A brit.

11:22: There were many great nominees but sad that Darren Aronofsky didn't get nominated.

10:22: In my short life, by far the best director of the films I've seen.

11:26: Best actress award. Halle is out and she's ok, nicole looks good as well. BOth are women who can be crazy hot and also ugly.

11:27: Austin is trying to talk to me, excuse me, there are women on tv so fuck that.

11:30: A fucking plastic surgery beast.

11:32: Still no winner.

11:33: Katie wins.

11:35: An ok speech. I've liked her since eternal, so I'm a bit biased.

11:35: But she looked like shit. And by shit, still pretty hot and she gave it up to Sydney.

11:36: Every year we talk about how speeches go too long and this year the academy is still show clips of old speeches.

11:37: I finally cut off my hyprocrite detector and I die.

11:37: Ok, so the getting old winners ot say shit is getting dumb. I don't want cy young to come out announce that ass injection roger won the most hopped up award this year.

11:39: Mickey should win. I hope he wins. Sean Penn, is great, Bobby introduced him great, but he brough up I AM SAM which was shit. But Mickey deserves it.

11:40: Also, I do love Richard Jenkins. He has been 'that guy' for too many years.

11:41: Still I think Mickey Wins. Brad Pitt does not deserve it for this film. Maybe another Fincher film though, but not this film.

11:43:Bull shit.

11:43: Sean penn only won because the academy loves actors who play real life persons and prop 8.

11:44: I'm done blogging the oscars. This just goes to prove that the academy is a horrible group of people to decide these awards.

They shot down Ellen Burstyn so many years ago and that was the first shame of my life.

I mean, I love Sean Penn, I love Gus, I love this film, but this award was too motivated by the scene of the people they vote on.

Nobody in the academy wants to stand up and say hey lets not be predictable dicks and cater to those who ultimately pay our checks.










I want to commit seppuku. Does anyone care about my opinion?

I think no.



Best movie I've seen in the past three weeks.......The Seventh Seal. Plus "The Grateful Dead Movie" even though they hated it it made me want to live in a time that cottage cheese was used as a lube.


Alright. Michgan lost today and I"m not popping up so fuck you all.

Oscar: Third Post

9:11: I don't want people to think I hate animated films, I don't. "Spirited Away" is one of my top 3 movies of all time. And Kunio Kato was great with his acceptance speech so I might try to watch "La Maison en Petits Cubes" if that is the right title or I got it a bit wrong. Yeah.

9:13: I am going to take a lot longer between actual postings. Maybe wait the whole time. But I'll still do blog it live. We'll see how it goes.

Oscars: Second Post

So now I decided to do a semi-live blog for the oscars cause I don't want to think about captions for a new facebook photo album.

Steve made a joke which is a few weeks old after seeing 30 rock.

9:00: Still hate the presentation for screenplays. Adapted, Original or Vaginal.

9:01: I'm betting on Slumdog, for every catagory it is in tonight.

9:02: I win. Fuck you Dewey.

9:04: Good short speech I like it, but he'll be back up a few times tonight.

9:04: Jen, I hope Brad and Jolie come up somehow and fight her. Also, a lesser version of me is there.

9:05: Shit about animation. I watched Wall-E with some younger people. My favorite part was me discussing how so much of the science doesn't hold up to real life or our predictions for the next 50 years. Also, fucking talking animals and fucking George Lucas. All of which my love of not being down symdrome-y makes me not enjoy.

9:07: Can we not have good animation that has actual human characters in? Kids that age love the character that the animals have. Why not use humans so as they get older they can love character driven movies rather than the shit action movies that are destroying cinema. I blame Pixar for everything.

9:08: Animated short film = liquid out the cock and making another drink. Back shortly.

Kissing your knee won't make you not throw up

With the year 2012 coming up there are many thoughts about the apocalypse. Many from the Maya calendar. But I'm going to prop up a new position of thought. I think the world will end in 2012, around August. Mainly because of Rudolf Diesel.

He is, obviously the inventor of the diesel engine and thus gave life to modern day freaks, dead.

After his great creation he was lost 'overboard' the ship "Dresden", no one knows how he fell over or anything at all relating to his death.

I believe it was the machines giving birth to themselves through the destruction of their own creator, (a whole classical literature thing that I pop blood vessels upon) to rev up a revolution of diesel machines. Diesel machines having failed I now fear Chloe Sevigny, trying too hard to be it.

David Ogilvy. Wiki

I want to initiate an initiative to ban advertisements from saying the phrase "_blank_ isn't the only thing. It is the only thing." I saw a movie, a cleaning product, and a period reducing hormone use that phrase in their commercial today. Come up with something original, like "Plug your ears, this movie will be loud. Plug your drains, this will clean your tub and shit. Plug your vagina."

There, I covered all three items in ease.

A time that a fox didn't kill a peacock

I am reminded of a night during a time in my middle school years that I watched Disney's cartoon "Robin Hood" and after that night the fox that kept on seducing me finally got shot by a hunter for attacking his sheep.

Kane-ing the King

AFI Top 100 review of Citizen Kane

1997 ranking - 1st
2007 ranking -1st
Released - 1941

A few opening remarks before I review.

1) This is the first review I've done of a movie that I haven't seen. I've caught a few scenes before but have never watched it all.

2) I watched this movie a friend's apartment. Why is that important to note? No, it wasn't due to the fact that I have a friend and I was allowed to go to her place, but because I feel that I was out of my element just a tad so I may not be bringing my best funk.

3) She wore a hat and I wore a suit...and I wore it well.

4) I was having my period at the time of viewing.

5) She received a phone call from a friend early on in the movie's run and we had to pause the movie and this created a disruption of the movie's flow...my flow was still heavy though.

6) I got a phone call in the last third of the movie, we had to pause the film again, but do to me being a man and not a woman I didn't fuck up the situation.

7) It was a Saturday, not unlike the Saturdays you read about in those Danielle Steel novels.

8) I never met Orson Welles, don't believe what the bitch Mike is saying.

Ok, onto the review.

The movie was good.

Rating: 8 mustache hairs in the mouth out of 10

The Drunkfather (Scottie 2 Hottie)

AFI Top 100 review of The Godfather

1997 ranking - 3rd
2007 ranking - 2nd
Released - 1972

So since I've seen this movie at least a half a time I decided to write a running diary of my viewing of The Godfather. After seeing what I wrote afterwards I became aware that 85% of my thoughts had nothing to do with the movie, so I was kind of torn. But I decided that since this is such a cultural literacy movie that a running log of it means much more than a straight up review. So enjoy this, and know that the following is non-edited. Know that 10:41 to 10:55 is my favorite.

10:15 PM - Popped the DVD in and settled down with a nice can of Natural Light.

10:17 PM - Some guy with a stache is telling a story of a girl who was made to drink and guys tried to take advantage of her but she resisted so they beat her. Don't care about the girl, but that's a fine stache.

10:20 PM - 2 of 2 characters on screen so fat have mustaches, thusly my penis is erect.

10:24 PM - Wedding scene. Bored. Start sudoku puzzle.

10:26 PM - Finished sudoku puzzle.

10:27 PM - Open second natti.

10:33 PM - Wedding scene still going on. Also, I've decided that whomever is lucky enough to be married to me (for tax purposes only, not for her being the only woman I sleep with) is not allowed to invite any creoles.

10:37 PM - First making an offer someone can't refuse line. Classless, I've heard that in many many sitcoms, I'm sure Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola stole it, just classless.

10:41 PM - Left testicle itching sensation from clean shaving given to it today. Yes, I only shave my left testicle, I call it the Leftin Sheen. Too bad I'm not watching Apocalypse Now, with Martin Sheen, Marlon Brando and Robert Duvall, since The Godfather does have Brando and Duvall.

10:42 PM - Scratch left testicle to ease the itching.

10:46 PM - Third Natti.

10:50 PM - Famous horse's head in bed scene (real horse head by the way). Reminds me of the Audi commercial during the Super Bowl and that I need to look into buying an Audi.

10:55 PM - Just learnt that Martin Sheen did in fact audition for the role of Michael. Thank god I named my ball hair shaving style after him, it all works right.

11:03 PM - Texas/Kansas game close, leaving to watch.

11:05 PM - Fourth natti.

11:18 PM - Texas wins by three, back to movie.

11:20 PM - Fifth can of Natural Light.

10:30 PM - Ever notice that people who can't count don't ever know what time it is? That fucking pisses me off.

11:31 PM - Crack open the happiness that is natti number 6.

11:32 PM - Drinking more beer and making less comments, first sign that you are an alcoholic.

11:41 PM - Beautiful scene between Michael and Don Vito Corleone. Kind of makes me think that I should take up my father's business of retiring at 42 and drinking a lot of Natural Light after that.

11:42 PM - One more can of natti, then stop drinking for the night. 7 is good for a monday.

11:44 PM - Have to take the trash out and smoke break.

11:55 PM - Back to the movie.

11:58 PM - Back to a new natti.

12:02 PM - Robert Duvall is wearing a hear piece, a pretty bad one. If I ever go bald I'll just use mustache hear to cover my head. Maybe one or two ass hairs as well.

12:10 PM - Guys are playing Hitz, getting too loud to hear well, thank god I've seen this movie multiple times.

12:15 PM - Beer 9 right as micaels first big family business scenes comes on. Great timing by me. I'm the shit more so than Meatloaf but less so than Mr. T.

12:16 PM - Mr. T is fucking awesome.

12:17 AM - Just realized that I need to type AM not PM.

12:21 AM - I don't like the Italians (despite being part Italian, a small part but a part, mainly my anus) because I don't trust people who live in shoes. The old woman in a shoe, the italians on a boot, other such persons.

12:26 AM - Goats in Italy, which are pronounced goatiloes.

12:27 AM - Gots ta urinate.

12:28 AM - Back to the movie.

12:29 AM - Wondered how many girls in the world wished that my right hand during my urination was their hand...and I can up with the number 2.5 billion.

12:31 AM - Cerveza número diez.

12:39 AM - Sad that the soundtarck didn't get a nod for an oscar because the composer sampled some of his own earlier works. I hate oscar, he's such a grouch.

12:41 AM - A guy got his finger bit. Reminds me of what my ex-wife did to me.

12:42 AM - My ass hit the fast forward button on the PS3 controller and I missed some Italian spoken. Fuck my ass.

12:43 AM - This makes a dozen beers.

12:44 AM - Finally actual tits in this movie,besides the start witht he staches, this is the best part. Forget all the fine acting/directing/writing.

12:45 AM - Michaels girl just said writing right after I typer writting, haha alright.

12:48 AM - Domestic violence!!! Man towards woman and woman towards man. Although mainly man towards woman, which I do frown upon and is the only thing I don't think should be made fun of.

12:51 AM - Shoot out at the toll both. I wonder how many bullets i can take and still be able to fight back/move away fromt he attackers. With full beard I guess 5, with no facila hair I guess negative one, with just at stache I assume it to be around the triple digits.

12:56 AM- I can hear people going to their rooms for the night. So loud. So loud like Quiet Riot, I want to feel the noise but i can not just cum on and feel the noise.

12:58 AM- Confession, I used backspace a lot for the last post.

1:00 Am - the meeting of the Dons. Much like the meeting we had for our party, a lot of men with a lot of power but without anything to say about shit.

1:02 am- group chuckle about communism. Communism is ths choice of the people. The people that hate freedom. And freedom is the new opiate of the masses,behind religion.

1:03 AM - Slippery Anus Steve IM's me to tell me that Wolf is on the Soup. I love wolf (an American Gladiator), but I can't not watch the Godfather, come on steve.
1:04 AM - Natti anew.

11:10 AM - The thing I've come to see in great movies is that you simply need to film characters in the scene who aren't speaking but have solid reactions.

11:13 Am - Pissing/taking out contacts for thinght.

11:16 AAM - Back.

11:20 AM - Beer 14 I believe.

11:21 AM- Another offer someone can't refuse. Great line. Would have been much beeter had i seen the movie when it first came out but it has been so sppofed (poorly) in so many movies/tv shows that it is odd to hear it now. Even though I've seen this movie many times but even the first time I heard it the phrase sounded odd. which pisses me off. the only thing I can get the same pleasure from now is like foreign films since they get so little coverage in america.

1:22 AM - realize that i've been typing 11 instead of 1.

1:22 AM - back hurst from typing.

1:24 AM - Michael (Al Pacino) finally steps into his role with all he has. A decent performance if you are using the dictionary for the anti-hyperbolists.

1:25 AM _ new favorite word 'anti-hyperbolists'.

1:27 AM - Hyperbolists and anti-hyperbotists might not be words at all now that I think about it. If they aren't then Merriam and that god damned webstedr better make them words.

1:32 AM - Relaly just thinking about playing Call of Duty Four after the movie.

1:33 A< - Top row of a thirty pack = done.

1:35 AM - Marlon Brando is amazing.

1:39 AM- I will never wear black to a funeral. I've turned down about 5 friends/family funerals in the past few years. The nezt time I attended one I'll wear the outfit that the dying person loved the most on me. So let me know what you think my sweetest clothes are.

1:40 AM - Beer

1:41 A< - Stop posting for the big baptism/assinination cleaning house snce.

1:44 Am _ Ah ok and done orgasming from that.

1:46 Last twenty minutes so fuck off, can't keep typing.

2:08 AM - What a horrible movie whaty do I watch such swill? Is it because swill was the word swi in it? I think yes. But despite me wanting to blow up this movie I still rate it a

9 out of 10 mustachioed kisses.

The Silence of the Lames

AFI Top 100 review of The Silence of the Lambs

1997 ranking - 65th
2007 ranking - 74th
Released - 1991

I watched this movie a few days ago but finally came out of my coma from the drill put into my brain that was this "film" so my review is just now being posted. Despite this thriller being one of only three movies to win the top five awards at the academy awards this movie still sucks. Horrible. Not intense, or scary, or shocking, or well directed, acted, written anything. There was a gross case of false advertising, as I heard no silence of any sort of barnyard animal let alone a lamb. In fact, I don't recall any sounds from any lambs that needed silencing in the first place.

I'd go into much greater detail but this statements gets my point across without me having to dumb down my ideas for you simple minds to understand: everything that this movie did wrong, "Cannibal: The Musical" aced. So save your time and watch the 1996 classic instead of the 1991 bore.

Rating: 3 mustaches out of 10.

8 Second Inhale

For the past several years I've always wanted to watch all the films on the American Film Institutes Top 100 films list. I now believe that deep in my loins I now have the fortitude to follow through with this herculean task. Since I have now become known as the Hamid Reza Sadr of America I will also be posting mini-reviews of each one on stache on or off for you to ingest. I believe this act will make your life better in a multitude of ways.

I can tell by your apt attention to this blog that you have at least one question. To answer the first, I will be watching the films that have appeared on either the 1997 or 2007 list. So I will ultimately be watching more than 100. Who the fuck thinks they have the right to say 2007 people knew more than 1997 people about movies? I sure as hell don't think I can say that. 1997 people knew quite a bit in my mind.

To answer the second question, yes and fuck you.