Thursday, January 31, 2008

Modern Warfare

So I've been playing Call of Duty:4 online recently, and I keep getting killed by like 12 year olds who talk trash in high pitched non-ball dropped voices. It bothers me for awhile but then I just remember I can grow pubic hair.

Fashion Tips

If any girls out there wear this, then I am immediately attracted to you and am willing to give out a free mustache ride.



*For those that don't know/can't tell, that is a drawing of the Dude from The Big Lebowski in the style of the "Virtuvian Man".

Monday, January 28, 2008

Wakeful Ventriloquism

I definitely thought that some impromptu ventriloquism would cheer up the dour mood of those in attendance. But the widow got up and tackled me pretty quickly. I barely had my makeshift dummy's pants off, let alone started to work my hand up towards the controls.

Absurdities concerning the fact that Charlie don't surf.

No, no...John Malkovich would never wear a toupee in real life plus they have a third guard dog posted. Our plan is fucked to Nantucket now.

8 Second Inhale

For the past several years I've always wanted to watch all the films on the American Film Institutes Top 100 films list. I now believe that deep in my loins I now have the fortitude to follow through with this herculean task. Since I have now become known as the Hamid Reza Sadr of America I will also be posting mini-reviews of each one on stache on or off for you to ingest. I believe this act will make your life better in a multitude of ways.

I can tell by your apt attention to this blog that you have at least one question. To answer the first, I will be watching the films that have appeared on either the 1997 or 2007 list. So I will ultimately be watching more than 100. Who the fuck thinks they have the right to say 2007 people knew more than 1997 people about movies? I sure as hell don't think I can say that. 1997 people knew quite a bit in my mind.

To answer the second question, yes and fuck you.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Monkees!

I fear that a coup d’├ętat within the biological order of Primates is soon upon us. Our place at the top is not secure by any means. Four reasons why I believe that rest of the primates can easily take us out

1. They are stronger than us.
2. Holy shit.
3. They are comfortable simply smoking a cigar and wearing a diaper. That sort of self-esteem is invaluable when it comes to a struggle for earth domination.
4. PETA is going to Bendict Arnold us for sure, and you can't fuck with dem PETAns.

Penis Tricks

Before I get to the main topic of this post you need to know that the name of my penis is 'Brown Crown One'.

I know many of my readers are fully aware of an act I commonly perform that has been dubbed 'The Ol' Penis Trick', but I feel I must explain it to those who are unfamiliar with this ability of mine. To put it simply, if I am presented with a test or exam I can flop out Brown Crown One on to the paper and let it rest for about 40 seconds, turn the test in and get at least a 97 on it. It works best when used with a biology or religion exam, because we all know how those two subjects love to dabble in people's sex lives.

Until recently, that was the only unique trick Brown Crown One could perform. Thankfully I have discovered a new penis trick, which has aptly been named 'The New Penis Trick'. The New Penis Trick was discovered out of necessity. A few days ago several of my chums were at our house wanting to play a video game. Sadly, no matter what anyone tried whenever the game was inserted sensually into the gaming console it would not work. Now, I don't like to be a hero, but I felt like god put me in that situation to save the day. I bravely stood up and walked over, snatched the disc from a friend and went to work. God, or maybe Tim, said to try touching Brown Crown One then touching the disc. I immediately thought that this was the most brilliant plan ever devised.

I touched Brown Crown One, through my jeans, not even skin-to-skin contact.

I touched the disc.

Restarted the system.

The game worked perfectly.

Brown Crown One can fix broken electronics.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Lemurs are bad murderers

If I were to kill someone I don't think I'd let a lemur be involved. They just don't seem trustworthy, Plus the whole lack of opposable thumbs, he just couldn't handle the gun work I'd need him to do.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Lady on the Bus

When the woman finally got off of the bus those of us still on just looked at each other and laughed knowingly. Because now we don't have to worry about being the one to tell the woman that you can't just take a shit and leave it on a seat. It is always good when awkward situations just work themselves out.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Fucking Fruit

I was eating an apple in my parents kitchen when I finally saw that the apple was truly all my oppressors manifested into one entity.

Why an apple you ask? Because an apple stole Adam's rib and lit the fuck up out of Newton.

A Confederacy of Dunces

I think I am the Ignatius Reilly of the dunces right now.

Friday, January 18, 2008

30 Minute Meals

People always love extra virgin olive oil....or e.v.o.o. from Rachel I can't cook for shit or host a show if my clit depended on it Ray. But once you take your society enforced blind fold off you realise that much more flavor is to be had from an olive oil that has been at least double penetrated if not an oil that has an D.V.D.A. train ran on her.


All in all, Rachel Ray is a fucking cunt blow dryer, she isn't even drunk wife material. Her voice sounds like I came on a sheep in heat fucking Barry Manilow.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Axillary-intercourse

Oh, I also had sex with the Bush twins. But they were drunk so it was merely axillism mixed with a touch of coitus interruptus.

Fecal Matters

The last time I expelled feces in my pants I was at a nice luncheon with an older lady sitting next to me. I turned to her and said, "looks like I'm the one who should be wearing depends and wished that my children and grandchildren would come visit more often."

Sadly Barbara nor any of the other Bush family members found it as funny.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Monkey Prostitution

I just had to pass along this link.

I now have the final piece for my argument that combing a girls hair and picking out any bugs she might have is enough to warrant her giving me at least a hand job. You hear that Michelle? You owe me 5 hand jobs, five.

Steroids

This whole steroid/PED controversy is getting extreme. Bud Selig and MLB are back in front of congress today testifying, because congress obviously has nothing better to do right now. Which brings to mind the old joke...if pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? Hahahaha, fuck my ass that is funny.

Backne to steroids now, but in the New York Times yesterday was the story about many entertainment stars have been linked to steroid usage, be it for muscle building or antiaging effects. They stars range from no big surprise (50 Cent) to someone you wouldn't initially suspect (Mary J. Blige) to just big shockers (Wyclef Jean).

Here at Mustache On or Off want to make our stance on steroids and performance enhancing drugs clear. We do not endorse their usage. My mustache is all natural and the result of hard work, many cigarettes, countless alcoholic beverages and many blacked out hours.

So remember kids, get your mustache the natural way and you'll be giving out the best mustache rides available before you know it.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Mallett to Arkansas

Ryan Mallett officially enrolled in classes at the University of Arkansas to play football for new head coach and ship jumper extraordinaire Bobby Petrino. Razorback fans study and learn how to properly use the phrase 'to Mallett', you'll need to use it a lot after his year of ineligibility is over.

Overcast

A guy sitting next to me on the bus today said that overcast days always made him depressed. I definitely would have guessed that it was the way he always said vacuous statements to strangers that don't care what the fuck makes him feel any one way or the other.

Friday, January 11, 2008

I'm the new superficial.com

I know all you mongoloids come to me for your entertainment news and I have two new pieces of hot gossip.

Word is that Ice Cube will play B.A. Baracus in the upcoming A Team movie. Fuck that. It is Mr. T or nothing. If you are going to get an Ice rapper at least get Ice T for obvious reasons.

Panic! at the Disco is dropping the exclamation point to become Panic at the Disco. To show my support I was going to petition the Pope to get rid of all exclamation points everywhere but then I realized Panic!@the Disco are no talent baby rapists, so I think we should add more exclamation points to everything! Including the Bible! Take this excerpt from Jude's book.

"For certain men have crept in unnoticed, who long ago were marked out for this condemnation, ungodly men, who turn the grace of our God into lewdness and deny the only Lord God and our Lord Jesus Christ."

Pretty shitty right? Now check this homefry

"For certain men have crept in unnoticed! who long ago were marked out for this condemnation! ungodly! men, who turn the grace of our God! into lewd!ness and deny the only Lord! God! and our Lord Jesus Christ!"

Holy shit! That fucking rocked your face off!

Creoles

Read the past three posts in reverse chronological order and you have my life lesson. Besides one fact, always watch out for the creoles. Fucking creoles.

Sun Tzu

True love and my nose are the same thing, roughly.

Bonaparte

When I pick my nose I pretend that there is a barbed wire fence around my brain so I don't go too deep.

True love

There is a barb wire across my heart.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Eye

In lab today a girl was giving me the eye. Which eye you ask? No, not the evil, stink, or even flirtatious eye. It was the lazy eye. At least I think she was looking at me you never can tell with those mutants.

Prophet

I am the most simian thing to have claim at being a prophet since Mighty Joe Young. Also, I might have had a BM in my pants tonight.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Yogurt

I spilled some yogurt on my pants today, so it kind of looked like I got sperm on them. Only it was blackberry yogurt so my sperm would have to have a purple tint to it instead of my normal greenish hue.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Hyphens

I think that all those people who oppose gay marriage should also be against the usage of hyphens. Hyphens are the gay marriage of punctuation.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Brevity

I have a shit fucking ton to say about brevity. But for the sake of brevity I can't say it here.

Arousing Thoughts

Is it just me or does the flapping of an overweight seventy year old man's flaccid jowls really get you hard in the loincloth area?