Friday, June 27, 2008

Dave Chappelle? Yep, six degrees perhaps

The last two thirds of "Why (What's going on?)" might be the closest thing I have to punching Gengis Khan in the right temple.

It can only be for one night
Nipple nipple hazzah temple right

Dead Language

I once actually met a woman face to face.

Nona mastoid.

Enough said.

Woody Allen

Hats. Fucking hats. It is a bunch of dick ass guys who love to wear condoms who wear hats.

They say, "I'm not happy with my dick being wrapped up, so I'll shelter my other head".

Harley Davidson

I met a girl on eHarmony. She seems pretty solid. Looks attractive and comes across as decently smart. We share the same taste in music and movies. She is the kind of gal that I could see myself with in the future. So I put the moves on her

But I guess a mustache ride doesn't translate as well over the internet as it does in person. It might actually come across as not normal.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Junge Jim's

Plantains. Every fucking tropical restaurant offers them as if they are a delicacy.

A plantain is a fucking banana that lives in the clitoris of the Caribbeans.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Close Ass Door

Dude, man, the iTunes visualizer knows what it is doing. Mustache On or Off is by no means a pro drug site, but Mustache On or Off has done a few illegal drugs. My cousin was supposed to come here and bring me a cigarette.

Mustache's Recipe #1

I like lentils.

- I hate the way they look.
- I hate the way you have to cook them.
- I hate the way you have to rinse and sort them.
- I hate thinking of pocket lent whilst eating them.
- I hate the taste of them plain.
- I hate the bags they come in and how they talk down to me.
- I hate the name lentil.
- I love how lentils taste with vanilla yogurt.
- I hate Rachel Ray.
- I hate the color green on bags of lentil.
- I hate that you are proud of your child who can push a shopping cart, push it straight into my ankle.
- I hate.

I like lentils with sauteed onions, green peppers and minced garlic.

To be an artichoke in spinach dip.

So I was shaving Brown Crown One's Lion Mane the other day and Mrs. Mustache On or Off said, "I don't want the leader of my pride to be completely bald."

*Side note-she was reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes tale "The Adventure of the Lion's Mane", and I knew so.

I shot back with the retort, "My pride shall stand taller in this vague and nebulous shrubbery."

Then we were thoroughly in a state of mirth.

Summer of Charlotte's Web

When I sit on the porcelain god in the bathroom I use at my house I have a friend in very close proximity. He is a tiny spider who has created a web in the corner of my bathroom. He is about a foot from my knee once I assume the position. I'd guess his body to be about 1/5 an inch all together, so by no means a gnat but not quite my penis.

I call him Rupert, he looks like a Rupert, what with his bow tie and leprosy. We talk and he helps me relax my sphincter ani externus.

My only worry is that recently he's been talking about Sam Berkowitz's dog.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The right moves

It isn't so much that I missed the right spot as much as she elevated her pelvis about two and a half inches.

Monday, June 16, 2008


Yesterday I was doing grocery shopping, or should I say that I was simply buying Cristal, Natural Light and Kobe beef since that is all I consume, but I digress. I was shopping and ran over a kid with my grocery cart. The Cristal and Natti was fine but my beef had flown out of my cart. I picked it up and carried on to the check out and home. As I fired up my grill and put the beef on it let out a scream. I didn't realize that a kid run over with a cart looks a lot like Kobe beef. It was much tot he chagrin of the mother that she had tucked my beef into bed before I returned her kid and she saw her mistake.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Numbers 2:12

Men eat popcorn like that. Women eat popcorn like this. I once stuck an ear of maize up a vagina and made cuntcorn.