Tim Leary

When I kick my toe on a couch I often ask, "Why Jesus, why?". Most of the time he replies with, "Why not?" It is now that I question my Jewish faith.

If Jesus is such a dick, how can't he be real?

Judas before the offer

Every time I look at the carpet I'm afraid she has a message, like a vagina. Except she's not pink and I don't have to pay for it.

Nurses joke

When I worked as a sales associate at ACE hardware customers would often come in and ask for some tubing. I would ask what kind and i would list off the types we had available. I'd usually try to sneak in fallopian tubing and it would go unnoticed at first and the customer would realize what i said and say, "wait, isn't fallopian tubing the..."

"Vagina tubing, yes" I'd interject.

And we both would laugh. I'd lean back laughing uproariously and pat my belly and he would double over with a mighty guffaw and slap his knee.

He would then ask for about 10 feet, because it is hard to find fallopian tubing up for sale these days and you need to stock pile when you can.

fac-to-tum

I was in a bank when a masked man ran in with a gun and proceeded to hold up the depository. I was holding a carafe getting ready to pure my self some coffee when he told me to put it down and get on the floor. So I was faced with an option, give up and do what he said or take action and better the situation. I then remembered an old trick I was once taught that I felt was destined to help me in just this kind of happening. I shit and pissed my pants, that way the robber wouldn't want to eat it me since I had soiled myself.

First down.