Summer of Charlotte's Web

When I sit on the porcelain god in the bathroom I use at my house I have a friend in very close proximity. He is a tiny spider who has created a web in the corner of my bathroom. He is about a foot from my knee once I assume the position. I'd guess his body to be about 1/5 an inch all together, so by no means a gnat but not quite my penis.

I call him Rupert, he looks like a Rupert, what with his bow tie and leprosy. We talk and he helps me relax my sphincter ani externus.

My only worry is that recently he's been talking about Sam Berkowitz's dog.

The right moves

It isn't so much that I missed the right spot as much as she elevated her pelvis about two and a half inches.

Gum

Yesterday I was doing grocery shopping, or should I say that I was simply buying Cristal, Natural Light and Kobe beef since that is all I consume, but I digress. I was shopping and ran over a kid with my grocery cart. The Cristal and Natti was fine but my beef had flown out of my cart. I picked it up and carried on to the check out and home. As I fired up my grill and put the beef on it let out a scream. I didn't realize that a kid run over with a cart looks a lot like Kobe beef. It was much tot he chagrin of the mother that she had tucked my beef into bed before I returned her kid and she saw her mistake.

Numbers 2:12

Men eat popcorn like that. Women eat popcorn like this. I once stuck an ear of maize up a vagina and made cuntcorn.

Fellini's "8 1/2"

My second biggest fear in life behind Rachel Ray is that someday I'll be performing cunnilingus and a crab or perhaps multiple crabs will jump from their house above beaver lodge and take up residence in my stache.

Rosemary Clooney

Mustache On or Off once had a hemroid, but he popped it and it became Spiro Agnew.

RFK

Mustache On or Off loves to stand in the middle of a large group of friends and yell, "Oh Shit!!!!!!!".

Yeah, not that funny, but all my friends know I run the midwest egyptian mafia; so they assume that a hit is on me and they dive for cover. I love to see their faces after they come up for air. Pure Fatty Arbuckle.